Apparently the sales of caravans and motorhomes in Australia are booming. One manufacturer turns out a caravan every 11 minutes. People are hauling caravans all over the country, living the nomadic lifestyle with all the benefits of modern conveniences such as air conditioning, ensuite toilets, home theatre systems and satellite TV, security alarms, solar power and home delivered pizza (in selected areas). But what if the dedicated caravan couple, through watching too many reality TV shows and TV sporting events yearn to develop their garden renovation skills, singing prowess or passion for Formula 1 motor racing? Let me show you the versatility of the caravanning lifestyle for each of these pursuits. Anything’s possible with a caravan.
(i) Caravan Gardens.
Garden makeovers in a caravan are difficult, but not impossible. Think of all that rooftop space on a caravan or motorhome. It’s perfect for planting a “green roof” garden. As we all know or should know, a thick layer of dirt on any roof growing luxuriant leafy plants provides wonderful natural insulation. This green roof will keep out the heat of summer and conserve the inside heat from escaping into the winter chill outside. A garden festooned roof will add a touch of soft green natural artistry to the harsh manufactured look of the factory built caravan. I know, I know, there are difficulties to overcome. Weeding, pruning the roses, watering or picking fruit or vegetables will probably require hiring a telescopic crane. But surely that’s a small price to pay for a rooftop garden and the inner green glow you will feel. Another objection I’ve had to my green roof caravan design is that the solar panels mounted on the roof will not work if buried under a layer of dirt. My answer to this problem is simple. Mount the solar panels on tall brackets above the highest plants in the garden. But, I hear you say, that will cut out all the sunlight for the plants! Naturally there is a technological solution. Simply use the electricity from the solar panels to power hydroponic growing lights mounted under the solar panels. These lights will shine on the garden below, providing ample light for growing your garden!
(ii) Caravan Singing Studios.
Caravans are perfect mobile studios for those talented or deluded people who want to develop their singing ability. This desire develops in people who live in a caravan with nothing to do at night other than watch TV talent shows. Having sung in the shower for years they think “I can do that! All I need is a bit of practice!” A caravan is an ideal rehearsal studio for potential Pavarottis or wannabe Whitney Houstons. The caravan can be towed to remote desert or mountain location where the only neighbours likely to object to vocal screeching will be wolves, coyotes or dingoes, depending on what part of the world you inhabit. The empty wilds of Patagonia in South America are widely regarded as the best location for talent show training. In this part of Chile the main objectors are likely to be Patagonian maras, a weird hybrid of a rabbit and a pony. They tend to just grunt and squeal if distressed by your vocal workouts rather than howl and attack like the predators mentioned above. It’s a long way to tow your caravan but success in show business requires huge sacrifices as we all know.
(iii) Formula C racing
What if the dedicated caravanner is also a dedicated Formula 1 motor racing fan? Surely the two are mutually exclusive? What does a fast moving falcon have to do with a waddling penguin other than that they are both birds? What has a racehorse to do with a cart horse apart from their mutual horsiness? But both Formula 1 racers and caravans are vehicles. Both have wheels. Both can go fast. One goes very much faster than the other it’s true, but I’ve heard of caravanners breaking the speed limit on the highway (downhill). So caravans can be fast too. I’ve seen camel races, ferry boat races and truck races so why not caravan races? The caravan “Formula C” track would have to be different from a Formula 1 track with all its narrow roads and tight corners. Caravans, being built for comfort, need a bit of room to move, especially if the owner has forgotten to lock up the roll down sun shades on the side or remove the small boat or mountain bikes from the caravan’s roof.
Formula C fans will be able to experience all the same thrills and spills that Formula 1 fans love. Formula 1 crashes happen too quickly for most fans to fully appreciate and savour. But Formula C crashes would be slow and majestic like hot air balloons drifting towards dangerous power lines, or male sloths racing step by tedious step to meet the new female sloth in their tree. Caravan collisions would not necessarily result in vehicles flipping end over end. Instead their satellite TV dishes may get knocked off, or their air-conditioning units may lock together so that the drivers have to pull over and call their insurance companies and roadside assistance service before proceeding.
A really reckless driver with caravan in tow, may, when taking a corner too fast, cause the van to swing out, bounce off the safety barrier and swing back in the opposite direction. This manoeuvre is called a “ping pong”. The pong part of the incident may cause the rogue caravan to accidentally crash into the side of an overtaking caravan causing another ping pong event. Imagine the scene: caravans speeding along side by side battering one another to pieces. Motor racing heaven. Their portable gas bottles will probably fall off and roll all over the track, causing explosive hazards for other drivers. Formula 1 races will not have a monopoly on flames and fatalities once Formula C gets going.
All that is needed for Formula C racing to take off is sponsorship. One Formula 1 team is sponsored by an energy drink company. Perhaps Formula C racing could be sponsored by a full fat flavoured milk company?
For caravans, the future is as full of possibilities as the great open road ahead.
-Geoff M
