Scene: A friend demonstrating a card trick.
“…Here, try again. Pick a card.”
“All right, I’ve got it.”
“Put it back in the pack. Thanks. (Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle—flip)—There, is that it?” (triumphantly).
“I don’t know. I lost sight of it.”
“Lost sight of it! Confound it, you have to look at it and see what it is.”
“Oh, you want me to look at the front of it!”
“Why, of course! Now then, pick a card.”
“All right. I’ve picked it. Go ahead.”
(Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle—flip.)
“Say, confound you, did you put that card back in the pack?”
“Why, no. I kept it.”
“Holy Moses! Listen. Pick a card—just one—look at it—see what it is—then put it back—do you understand?”
“A Model Dialogue” by Stephen Leacock from “Literary Lapses”
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Active, aggressive resistance is one way to get rid of things, but nothing beats passive resistance for inflicting slow bleeding wounds on morale, deflating vision with tiny pin pricks and creating a few laughs.
In India, Gandhi refused to pay the salt tax to the British colonial overlords, went on a long walk to the seaside with a few thousand friends to get the stuff and generally obstructed their revenue raising until the British blew the tops off their pith helmets in frustration and left the country in a red faced rage. Meanwhile, Gandhi & Co. returned to their delicious curry and rice (with salt), finally rid of their self-important imperial masters. Maybe they all had a bit of a guffaw into their vegetable vindaloo. They definitely had the last laugh.
Passive resistance can be useful in all sorts of everyday situations from out-annoying those pesky telemarketers to getting rid of noisy members of your exercise class who cackle like dinosaur chickens and talk so loudly about nothing that you think you are going mad.
Passive resistance with telemarketing calls might go like this:
“Hi, my name is Alice. Can I please talk to the person who is responsible for your electricity bills?”
“Hello Alice, that’s a nice name. My grandmother’s name was Alice. Is that a common name in your family?”
“No I am sorry, I cannot give you my family name. It is against the rules. Are you the person who pays the electricity bills?”
“Sorry to hear that Alice, about your family name being off-limits. It must be confusing for your colleagues if there is more than one Alice. Do you call yourself Alice 1, Alice 2 and Alice 3 ?
“I am not allowed to tell you because of the company privacy policy. Do you pay the electricity bill?”
“Gee, I feel sad for you with those pesky company regulations. Sounds impersonal – you know, like all the employees are treated like robots….. you aren’t a robot are you? Have you ever thought of working somewhere more friendly?”
“I am very happy with my very generous employer. Do you pay the electricity bill?”
“Bill – now that’s another favourite name of mine. My nephew’s name is Bill. He’s a nice young fellow. He works as a robot mechanic. You’d probably like him. As you’re always calling people on the phone, would you like to call Bill? He’s not seeing anyone at the moment. I can give you his number if you like”.
“No thank you. That is also prohibited by company regulations. Do you pay the electricity bill at your home?
“Pay the electricity bill? Only if I have to! Ha! Ha! Ha! Do you want to pay it for me?”
“I represent an electricity supplier and would like to make you a better offer on your bill”.
“Better offer eh? That sounds good! The best offer I ever got was on a new toaster two years ago. It only cost me $15! Toasters run on electricity don’t they? Can you make me a better offer than that?”
“Bzzzzz – (phone goes dead).
Polite, caring, passive resistance will always win in the end.
Now what about those people with a voice like an air raid siren who shatter your peace at the gym, cafe or on the train or bus? What does passive resistance have to offer there?
First of all, try imitating them. In the cafe, when they laugh like hysterical hyenas, do the same.
When they look at you strangely, just grin and say something like “Hey that was a good one!”.
When they’re squawking about themselves at the gym class, talking so loudly you think you’re being hit on the head, you could respond by ostentatiously putting on a pair of industrial hearing protectors, the bigger the better.
Make sure they can see you doing it.
On the train or bus, Just pull out your computer printed leaflet entitled “Talking loudly on public transport – a deadly threat” and give them a copy. You can easily write it yourself. It might say:
“Studies show that people who speak loudly and continuously on public transport have increased risks of:
-throat cancer
-hearing loss
-frontal lobe brain damage.
Peer reviewed studies (after all, you did peer at it closely as you wrote it) conclude that public transport loud-mouths are the number one social irritant most likely to spark rail and road rage episodes by fellow commuters.”
Finish with a flourish such as:
“SILENCE IS GOLDEN SO ZIP YOUR LIP”
“SUPPORT WORLD PEACE – SHUT YOUR MOUTH”.
“MUTE YOUR MOUTH – YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD”.
The workplace is another situations where passive resistance is a winning strategy.
In the British TV classic “The IT Crowd” the Chris O’Dowd character who works at the computer helpdesk begins every response with “Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?” Perfect passive resistance with a hint of disdain.
In your work situation you could adopt a similar passive no brain response which may contain a grain of truth. For instance if you work for government agency you could begin by saying “This call is paid for by your taxes. Please describe your request in less than 10 words to save public money”. After your caller says more than 10 words say “You have exceeded the allocated number of words. Would you like to continue? This will cost taxpayers more”. Your active enquiries and workload will probably drop dramatically saving everyone time and money as promised.
If your boss is always calling you on your personal phone at inconvenient times, adopt the Sherlock Holmes passive resistance phone technique. This was demonstrated in the TV series “Elementary”. Sherlock Holmes replaced every second or third word of his conversation with silence so that “Hello Watson, I think the reception is bad here. Can you call back later? Becomes “Watson– reception– bad– call– later?” Elementary passive resistance. Actually it didn’t work for Holmes because at that moment Watson came around the corner and saw Holmes face to face, but it should work with your boss who I hope is not just around the corner.
You may want to say to your boss something like “Hello chief you predatory slave driver. Can you call me at a reasonable time? I’m at my son’s outdoor archery class. Your stupid calls are breaking up my family relationships. It’s bad management calling me after hours. Call later.”
When translated with omissions and pauses this becomes “Hello chief — driver– call– time– son’s– outdoor — breaking– bad– later”. Tricky but worth trying.
-Geoff M
