Helicopters are always in the news, either taking people up or taking them down. One helicopter in my home state caused a politician to actually apologize to the public. Now that’s power for you. The problem was that the politician took a taxpayer funded helicopter flight to a private political fundraising function. It was for the benefit of the party not the people and the people choked on the the chopper cost.
But helicopters should not be blamed for political problems they merely facilitate.
They are also powerful tools for good.
In an island community not far from my home city, there is no hospital. However there is a hospital 30 minutes away by ambulance across the bridge in Z. But the island doctors have fallen out with the Z hospital doctors. So instead of a 30 minute ambulance journey for patients needing hospital care, they choose to chopper their patients to a city hospital for surgery. It takes about 40 minutes by air ambulance.
But think of the advantages:
– the patients feel more important travelling by helicopter thus speeding up their recovery
– the islanders feel more important because they have access to a medivac helicopter, improving community morale and sense of entitlement
– the islanders don’t have to get out of the way of ambulances speeding along their main road
– there is less wear and tear on the island’s ageing ambulance
Helicopters are also great for air-sea rescues. This was discovered in the 1950s after several decades attempting to use fixed wing planes for rescuing people from sinking boats. Despite extensive training courses only 0.01% of people were successfully rescued this way because of the difficulty of catching the rope trailing from the rescue plane. In fact only one person was ever rescued using fixed wing planes, Grabbo the circus trapeze artist whose fishing boat was sinking. He managed to grab hold of the rescue rope and he then got a big swing going and did a double somersault into the hatchway of the rescue plane, to enthusiastic applause. Once helicopters were introduced for air-sea rescue, the success rate, and the patients, went up dramatically.
Helicopters are also excellent water bombers. Water is wonderful stuff especially for fighting fires. Large helicopters are perfect for hovering over a lake, sucking up a great wetness of water then flying over to the fiercest fires and giving them what for, flushing the flames with a fusillade of fluid. For some reason these heli-hoses are given pet names. One used locally is called “Elvis”. But why? Was Elvis the rock and roller afraid of fires? Did he wear a propeller-head hat in the privacy of his own mansion? Did he amuse himself by throwing water bombs at the Graceland outdoor barbecue? Who will ever know, now that Elvis has left the building via the fire escape?
Helicopters can also be dangerous as well as lifesaving and fire drenching.
Legend has it that for a pilot, flying a chopper is like rubbing your stomach in a circular motion with one hand while patting your head with the other hand, tap dancing with your feet and signalling Morse code by blinking your eyes, all the while whistling the national anthem and retaining bladder control after drinking a litre of black coffee. If this is true, and I’m sure it is, it is very surprising there are not more helicopter accidents. On the other hand, experience as a helicopter pilot looks like great preparation for life as a parent.
What about those vicious whirling rotor blades? Surely thousands of people have been decapitated by stepping out of the cabin of the chopper and forgetting to duck? No? What about very tall basketball players? Aren’t they afraid, yes afraid to fly in a helicopter? Of course they are.
Like paper clips and masking tape, I’m sure that the practical uses for helicopters have only barely been explored. How about trimming very tall trees using Samurai swords attached to the rotors?
My personal favourite for choppers is an adaption of the helicopter mounted searchlights so beloved of the police force. You know the ones that shine into your front yard at 2am while the helicopter is hovering over your house searching for escaped convicts who may be sheltering in your front doorway. Imagine using that heli-spotlight for peaceful purposes. If a free market in helicopter services was opened up, then a simple phone call would summon a billion watt searchlight in the sky to search your driveway or footpath for lost earrings, dropped keys, the true source of “that strange noise outside” or the identity of the animals or children who are chewing on your prize tomato plants in the middle of the night.
The sky’s never the limit as far as helicopters are concerned. Onwards and upwards helicopter heroes!
