Stress has been described as “hurry sickness”. We hurry, we get stressed, we hurry harder, we get more stressed. Finally all that hurry stress is converted into energy and our brains explode in a spectacular display of the conversion of overstressed matter (our brains) into energy (an explosion) as predicted by Einstein. This major societal crisis could be simply resolved by rediscovering the ancient wisdom of teapot therapy.
It has to be a teapot you see, not a tea bag in a cup. This is not just snobbery about ancient porcelain. It’s the teapot that influences the whole graceful process of tea making. The teapot transforms brewing tea from something quick and nasty into something slow and rhythmic and rich and fragrant. Which experience would you rather have? Teabags are small, speedy, clean, precise and wasteful. In comparison, teapots are mostly generously sized, slow, sloppy, approximate and useful rather than wasteful. Teabag users create waste by throwing away the little bags, strings, labels and staples as well as the precious tea leaves. Teapot users reuse the same comfortable teapot for decade after decade and recycle the tea leaves into “Tannic Treasure” fertiliser for the garden or wrap up the dried out leaves in a pair of socks and stuff them into their smelly old sports shoes to soak up the stink.
The Japanese perfected the whole teapot de-stressing procedure when they developed the tea ceremony centuries ago, or was it the Chinese? Whoever it was, no one in Japan says to a friend “Fancy a quick cuppa?” while pulling out an ancient teabag that has fallen down the back of the pantry into the container of unwashed potatoes. The Japanese, so I’m told, go to infinite pains to make every detail perfect. The process of tea making, pouring and consumption is like a slow classical ballet but with more warm liquid involved. Central to this calming ceremony is the teapot, beautifully proportioned, well warmed and elegantly poured. Once it has been carefully made,the tea is then carefully and respectfully consumed. (Unfortunately I have also read that in early tea ceremonies, tea drinkers sucked directly from the teapot spout. This does blow my delicate tea ceremony idea out of the water, so let’s ignore that aberration and move on). Teapots oversee the art of tea de-stressing. The teapot is the oil can for the squeaky bicycle gears of life, smoothing out metal on metal stress, quietening noisy clashes, bringing peace and tannic acid harmony to all who participate.
Teapots are also central to indirect teapot therapy. Think of the well-known children’s song “I’m a little teapot” (“I’m a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up hear me shout: Tip me over, pour me out”). This song, with its teapot mimicking actions, brings calm focus and amusement to both children who are acting out being a teapot, and to adults. These grownups are usually parents, teachers and occasionally politicians demonstrating their playful childishness just before an election. Who can be stressed while using their arms to mime being the handle and spout of a teapot? What adults can take themselves too seriously while pretending to pour tea out of their arms? They may feel ridiculous and infantile and wonder how they were tricked into this humiliation. But over serious or conceited? Never.
Some companies and government departments have developed this teapot action song routine into a daily office team-building exercise. Interpersonal and interdepartmental rivalries and jealousies simply disappear like steam from a kettle when everyone is playing and singing together pretending to be one big happy family of teapots. The short and stout team members, often looked down on by tall thin employees, get to be the stars of the daily show. Teapot therapy – look for it in an office near you.
The teapot word game is another triumph of indirect teapot therapy. It’s easy. Think of a word for another person to guess. Then put it into a sentence but replace your secret word with “teapot”. The other person then tries to guess the word while you give them further sentences with the secret word replaced with “teapot”.
For example “I arrived at work and was sarcastically humiliated by the teapot for being late”.
Next clue: “The teapot is big and hairy and smells like a boxer after a 10 round fight.”
Next clue (if needed): “When I was leaving the office to go home, the teapot said that he would go on working until the last person had left.”
The answer is obviously the boss. Or the receptionist, depending on your workplace.
Once again the teapot is the fun focus of friendly frivolity. The teapot game makes life at work into one big laugh after another. Ask your boss to play it with you.
Finally, a warning from teapot history: never toss teapots overboard. All-out war will probably ensue. In 1773 the American revolutionaries tipped a load of English Breakfast tea into Boston harbour. This had the desired effect of provoking the British, who were dying for a cuppa. Unfortunately the Americans tossed overboard all the teapots as well. This is a little known key fact of history. The Brits were even more upset about losing their teapots than their tea, most of which had been spoiled by sea water on the long voyage anyway. Disrespect for their comfortable calming teapots was the last straw for the British who launched a counter-attack on the coffee pots of the Americans. The result was the American War of Independence from Teapots. The Americans won, destroyed all the teapots on the east coast and converted en masse to drinking coffee. As a result of all that extra caffeine, stress levels and aggression skyrocketed, causing American involvement in any number of conflicts since then.
If only they had respected the calming, charming, disarming teapot, bringer of peace and wellbeing, what a different world we would now see.
