My first radio did not give birth to me or teach me to walk or give me food or love me as my beloved biological mother did. But my radio mother was unquestionably motherly and even grandmotherly.
She was large and rounded and cream-coloured and made of translucent plastic which developed a nice orange glow when she was switched on. The valves (or “tubes”) which powered her internally gave off a friendly warmth. Like grandma, she took a while to get going in the morning, but from then on she was solid and dependable. She had a mellow reassuring tone from the big speaker and in the era before shock jocks, she never ranted or raved or even raised her voice. She even whistled a bit if she was in a good mood when I changed stations. My radio mother educated me in politics, sport, music and even gardening.
Who told me about the assassination of JFK?
My radio mother.
Who brought me the excited tackle by tackle commentary on my team’s football matches?
My radio mother.
Who introduced me to the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Dave Brubeck and Joe Pass?
My radio mother.
Who took me travelling the air waves to distant cities?
My radio mother (after I attached a long aerial).
She was strictly a stay at home mum as she was too bulky to get out of the house. I didn’t mind that. Whatever hour I came home she was always there, just next to the bed, large, rounded, cream-coloured with a warm orange inner glow and a mellow reassuring voice.
Radios are so versatile they cannot be limited only to parenting duties. Just today I heard (on the radio) of the ground-breaking role of radios as repellents. Radios repel ants – did you know that? It doesn’t matter what is playing on the radio, ants will hate it. It’s not that ants loathe melody or are scared by the sound of the human voice. I know this because I have often yelled at ant plagues (in an out of tune) to no effect. It’s the vibration they can’t stand. Even if it’s the Beach Boys singing “Good, good, good, good vibrations”, ants feel it all as “Bad, bad, bad, bad vibrations.” The agitating frequencies must get to them through their busy little ant feet. I guess a radio vibrating on an ant infested kitchen bench is like us humans walking near someone operating a jackhammer, vibrating our bodies from the feet upwards. Plagued by ants? Get a radio or two or three – the older and rattlier the better, to vibrate those ants right out of your life.
Powering your radio has always been a bit of a pain in the posterior. Batteries always fail just at the worst moments and wall sockets are never where you need them to plug in your radio. Modern technology has changed all that. For instance now we have hydro-powered waterproof shower radios. I saw one on the internet. Just hang it on the shower head as you splash around with the soap and shampoo. The falling shower water drives a miniature hydro-electric generator to power your radio. Beer powered radios have been built by electronics hobbyists for decades. However no one has ever understood how beer produced energy until recently. An Australian beer scientist discovered the secret after completing a gruelling 10 year research programme. He knew that drinking beer can make you feel drowsy. He discovered that this is due to the energy extracting power of beer. Beer actually sucks energy out of the human body and transfers it to itself. Beer powered radios now use newly discovered chemical energy release agents called Burpagens to transform the energy stored in beer into electricity to power radios.
One of the most exciting innovations in radio technology in recent years is the integration of radios into everyday objects. For instance the Never Sleep Mattress Company now offers an “Insomniac Heaven” mattress with built in radios and earbud sockets. These mattress radios can be programmed to tune into different stations based on your personal interests. The Internet has zillions of special interest digital radio stations, so you can always find your specialty area. You can find special programs to do with living in caves, recipes for cooking edible cacti and how to stop locust plagues with carnivorous pot plants. Then there are the pet care shows featuring tips on dog training (easy) and cat obedience (where you learn how to obey your cat’s every whim). The Insomniac Heaven radio mattress also has an “Instant Sleep” channel featuring Bruce and Alice Brown describing their latest river cruise experience. No one has been known to remain awake for more than 10 minutes listening to Bruce and Alice.
Radios are also being built into refrigerators, photocopiers and wardrobes. Wherever you waste time, why not waste time with a friendly radio?
