Organising the teams for table tennis is always a problem. There are the good players, the really good players and the really bad players like me who are there to make all the other players feel good about themselves. The difficulty is how to mix up the team members so that it’s fun for all.
This is social ping pong after all. We are there for a bit of a hit, a bit of a laugh and a bit of a chat over coffee about how the world will end.
We rotate players in the two person teams so as to maximize enjoyment. If you have two really good players playing two rubbish players, it simply doesn’t work. The really good players are not tested and start doing stupid things like spinning around between shots. The really bad players feel totally demoralized like the Polish cavalry facing the German Panzer tank divisions in World War Two.
How to solve this ping pong player puzzle? We leave it to Clancy. After quickly surveying the available players, Clancy can compute all the factors and spit out an answer like a calculating machine. A is a 1st grade player, B is 2nd grade, C is 3rd grade and D is 4th grade. That’s okay. A and D versus B and C.
But there are complications. A has already played two matches with D and they should rotate partners.
C needs to leave early and B needs an easy game because he suffers ping pong pelvis. Then there are E, F, G and H who have just finished a match plus I, J and K who have just arrived and haven’t had a game yet. Clancy also needs to consider L and N who are everyone’s last choice. This is because they try to distract their opponents by burping loudly and telling knock knock jokes in the middle of play.
It’s difficult to match up everyone, so we leave it to Clancy. Clancy can take it all these factors, even in a group of 20 or more players and quickly construct a happy harmony of teams.
But the peace process is complex for Clancy. E and G are old friends and like to catch up during play and will often chat for 4 or 5 minutes in the middle of games. This is despite the other team members trying to interrupt them by coughing, banging on the table, doing star jumps and shouting out false alarms about the building catching fire or snakes under the table. They should never play together. J and K are fanatical supporters of the same football team and keep up a constant stream of footy player evaluations and character assassinations of referees while they are playing. This too is a major distraction for other players and so it is much better for everyone if J and K are separated. Clancy takes all this in his stride and matches up all the players for maximum peace and harmony.
If for any reason Clancy is away from the weekly matches it is almost always a disaster. Bad players playing against vastly superior opponents despair of ever winning another point let alone a game or a match. Very good players become so conceited they think they should enter the world championships. Others become so bored they offer to play while hopping on one leg.
Without Clancy there are ferocious glares, muttered insults and bats smashed on the floor. There are even vicious shots aimed at opponents. Getting hit by a ping pong ball may sound like being bitten by a flea but multiple hits can cause brutal headaches and choking if the ball goes in the mouth and down the throat. When Clancy is away, chaos reigns, when Clancy is around, peace prevails.
I’ve often thought Clancy should use his talents in other, bigger arenas.
If Clancy were organising international sporting events, imagine how well things would go.
At the moment in my home city we are in the middle of the Australian Open tennis tournament. In the opening rounds the top players trounce the lowest ranked players like an elephant accidentally treading on a feisty little mouse. It’s not a good experience for the lowly mouse players or the spectators. After all who wants to pay good money to see a small animal being tortured?
As well, on-court hostilities sometimes break out between the Bananians and the Bononians who both claim to be the original inhabitants of Bonania. Then there are our good friends from New Zealand who have been known to start matches with a stomping chanting haka war dance. Inevitably all the Kiwis In the crowd join in due to genetic and social programming. Then the Australians all start singing “Waltzing Matilda” as a sort of ironic whatever response. Americans usually then stand to attention and put their clenched fists to their chests and recite the Oath of Allegiance. Eventually the Spaniards start a mock bull fight using their red Rafael Nadal t-shirts as toreador capes.
The crowd quickly descends into utter chaos and Mexican waves become the norm after each game.
I’m pretty sure Clancy could sort it all out. The principles are the same whether it’s suburban table tennis or Grand Slam tennis. I asked him how he harmonized everything.
Clancy summarized his approach as:
“Accentuate the positive,
eliminate the negative,
latch onto the affirmative,
and don’t mess with Mr In-between”.
Clancy explained to me that these principles were first developed by American diplomats The Andrews Sisters in 1944 and were widely credited with bringing about the end of World War Two.
The A-Sisters peace program had other planks in its platform, which Clancy has adopted as his own.
“It’s really important” he said, to
“Spread joy up to the maximum,
bring gloom down to the minimum,
have faith or panda-monium
is liable to walk upon the scene”.
I have actually asked Clancy how he would apply the “Andrews Sisters Doctrine” as it’s known, to the seething cauldron of grand slam tennis.
Here is a summary of Clancy’s recommendations:
1. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.
Clancy would categorise all matches from Round 1 onwards as “The Finals”. By doing this, all players can then say they were Australian Open tennis “finalists” rather than being described as “knocked out ignominiously in the first round”.
2. Latch onto the affirmative, don’t mess with Mr In-between.
Clancy recommends affirming all participants. This may sound like PR spin, but after all it is often the spin kings and queens who win the points in tennis. So if some tennis brat throws a tantrum on centre court, he or she will be affirmed by the TV commentators as “highly invested in the game”. An old has-been player who is embarrassing himself on court will be described as often as possible as “a tennis legend” or “a player who has been a great servant of the game”.
As for the serial troublemaker Mr In-Between, Clancy emphasized that Mr In-Between’s application as a wildcard entrant to the Australian Open should always be declined or mysteriously lost. He said the one time Mr In-Between was allowed to play at the AO he made an extraordinary mess on court. Spilt bottles of his energy drink created a slipping hazard, debris from his smashed racquets created a tripping hazard and his stinky sweat towels created a health hazard.
3. Spread joy up to the maximum, bring gloom down to the minimum.
Clancy recommends turning up the joy and turning down the gloom by employing on-court circus clowns during the breaks between sets and letting off fireworks at random moments so that the fans go home bedazzled whatever the result.
4. Have faith or panda-monium is liable to walk upon the scene.
One of Clancy’s ironclad rules is to ban pandas from walking anywhere near the courts, especially pandas that are inclined to moan or grunt. There is more than enough of that on court these days. Clancy insists that pandas and tennis simply do not mix.
Clancy gets my vote for sure. If he can spread joy up to the maximum at our ping pong club he has the skills to spread it even more on the big stage of grand slam tennis, international diplomacy or any other sport as far as I am concerned. Go Clancy.
© Geoff Milton
