“The landlady of a boarding house is a parallelogram – that is an oblong angular figure which cannot be described but which is equal to anything” (from “Boarding House Geometry” by Stephen Leacock in “Literary Lapses”).
The geometry I learnt at school obviously has its uses. When it comes to working out the square of the hippopotamus using the sum of the squares of the other two sides of the hippo, geometry is a tool without parallel.
However it took the genius of Professor Leacock way back in 1910 to recognise how geometry could be applied to the social sciences. Building on his pioneering work regarding boarding houses, I have sought to reapply his geometrical principles to the scientific description of share house living.
Definitions
* Minute = a small but precise measurement often used in share houses for measuring time in the bathroom, time to cook dinner, time watching a particular TV program etc e.g. “you have been in the bathroom for 13 minutes longer than anyone else in history”
* Plane = a two-dimensional flat area of indeterminate size. Often confused with “plain” which is a non-geometric term e.g. “You’re just plain stupid if you think that I think you’ve paid your share of the gas bill”
* Point = a two-dimensional marker. Often used in conversations between share house residents e.g. “And your point is?” or “I don’t see the point of putting up with you fellows any longer”
* The Annulus is the circular area surrounding the washing machine in the share house and is always occupied by a circular pool of stinking fetid grey water.
* The magnitude of harmony between residents of the share house can be measured on the “Kickter Scale” where:
0 = all resident relationships are calm and harmonious, with hardly a ripple on the pond of share house peacefulness
1 = occasional nasty looks
3 = short duration of sharp words between residents causing cracks in relationship
6 = extended tremors and threats resulting in significant noise and property damage
8 = catastrophic fractures and fissures in the lines of relationship resulting in irreparable breakdown of the share house.
Assumptions
*The number of bedrooms in a prospective share house is always less than the number of people in the group looking for a share house.
* The number of bathrooms in a share house is always equal to 1 regardless of the number of bedrooms, or residents.
* The number of toilets in a share house is always equal to 1 except where the toilet is coincident with the bathroom, in which case the number of toilets can be considered to be less than one.
*Lateral surfaces (walls) in bedrooms are always immediately adjacent to
a) the bathroom
b) the toilet
c) the neighbours with the loudest dog
* The area of the lounge room of the share house is always less than the combined area of the lounge room furniture owned by the residents
* In the case of share houses in cold climates, the thermal volume of the lounge room is always greater than the thermal capacity of the heater.
Propositions
*In a share house, the longest side of the rectangle described as “the study” is always less than the size of a single bed.
*The cylindrical container known as the bin will be left out on the kerbside for at least N + 6 days where N is the collection day
* The emotional angle of depression of the share house residents is directly proportional to the bi-annual increase in rent per resident.
* The emotional angle of elevation of the share house residents is directly proportional to the number of supplementary parties or barbecues per month
* Relationship angles between share house residents are never fixed and may form a degenerate triangle until the fourth resident throws a bucket of water over the fighting bodies.
* The share house is always infinitely distant from any known convenience store such that there is never any milk in the refrigerator
*Tempting food left in the refrigerator even if labelled by the owner, may spontaneously reduce in volume to just a point (crumb) at any time
*The length of the share house lawn will increase infinitely until residents are threatened with eviction by the landlord
* As the number of months of shared occupancy increases, the degrees of frustration of all residents increases exponentially until the share house explodes into an exploded diagram of its component parts.
