Now that I have hijacked your attention with a totally false claim, here are the top 10 things about the complexit-teas and inconsequentialit-teas of tea.
- Tea bags are made from dust.
That’s right your old reliable teabag, the quickest way to brew a cup of char, contains only dust. If you don’t believe me just cut one open and take a look. Admittedly it is dust swept from the floor of the tea factory so that it contains more than its fair share of tea, but that’s what it is. It doesn’t matter if it’s sold in hermetically sealed little sachets or in a bulk pack of 500 bags. It’s still just dusty dregs. That’s why we teabag enthusiasts find that leaf tea made in a teapot just too strong, because it isn’t diluted with dust.
- The accidental origins of orange pekoe tea
This popular variety of tea was accidentally invented when the workers in a tea factory in Birmingham threw their lunchtime orange peel into the tea leaf mixers hoping to enrage the boss. They enjoyed this process because his face turned as red as a tomato if he was annoyed and they appreciated the colour contrast. Customers soon started asking for this orange tea and the rest is history.
Rumour has it that the “pekoe” are the top quality tips of the tea leaves carefully picked using the balls of the fingers rather than fingernails. This is just fictional nonsensicalit-tea. In fact fingernail picked tea is totally different. It’s called “orange fingoe” and is highly prized for its added yeasty aroma and bacterial components from under the workers’ fingernails. It is widely used as a starter mix for kombucha (a fermented tea beverage which is widely regarded as having the health benefits of white bread).
- The cruel side effects of Earl Grey tea
This tea is heavily flavoured with bergamot oil. This essential oil is extracted from the citizens of Bergamo, a city near Milan. The process requires the townsfolk to be individually peeled and the peelings are then boiled and condensed. The resulting oil has a citrusy orange flavour with a classy olive oil and garlic finish. Because of the cruelty involved in the extraction process before it is added to the tea, Earl Grey tea cannot be sold to people under the age of 18. Earl Grey tea is named after Earl Grey of course, an English nobleman who devoted his life to extracting exotic bodily substances from foreigners.
It has only recently been discovered that over-consumption of Earl Grey tea can produce crippling physical side effects. In one case study, a patient who consumed 4 litres of Earl Grey tea per day suffered extensive paresthesias (pins and needles), fasciculations (muscle contractions), cramps, delusions of grandeur, intense bouts of snobbery and complete loss of bladder control. A subsequent brain scan of the patient revealed most of his brain was missing.
- The revolting revelation of Russian caravan tea
This is a very smoky tea which gained its name from the Russian camel caravans of the 18th century. These camels carried bulk tea leaves from China all the way to Moscow. During this 6000 mile journey the camels travelled through the wintry climates of Mongolia and Siberia which caused the tea to absorb moisture, especially when the camels unloaded it each night in the snow. The camels then dried out the tea over the camel dung campfires. This process was repeated each night for months and contributed to the tea’s pungent smoky camel breath flavour. This tea is best drunk like fine wine at a wine tasting – sampled and then spat out. Alternatively it can be kept dry and then burned to keep away mosquitoes, rats and revolutionary bandits.
- The hidden health hazards of Australian billy tea
Tea was brought to Australia on the First Fleet ships from England in 1788. It was horribly stale by the time it reached the convicts, soldiers and settlers in Sydney Cove and they needed to do something to improve the flavour of what was a fusty, musty, salty old brew. They decided to try adding some eucalyptus leaves. Due to its antiseptic properties the eucalyptus oil killed off the smelly old bugs in the tea and cleaned out the drinkers’ sinuses at the same time. However Australians love a bit of danger and someone had forgotten to pack teapots on the First Fleet and so billy tea was born. Billy tea is made in a tin billycan boiled over an open fire. It is stirred by swinging the boiling billy in an overhead circle without a lid. If it is not swung fast enough, the tea maker will be scalded with hot tea. Alternatively, if he or she lets go of the billy handle at some point, the gathered tea drinkers may get a hot billy full of boiling tea full in the face. However every cloud has a silver lining and as a result of these billy tea accidents Australia now leads the world in burn treatment techniques and skin graft technology.
- Sorry there’s no more. It’s time for my tea break……
