“Well,” says the doctor, “I want you to keep very quiet; you’ll have to go to bed and stay there and keep quiet.” In reality, of course, the doctor hasn’t the least idea what is wrong with the man; but he DOES know that if he will go to bed and keep quiet, awfully quiet, he’ll either get quietly well again or else die a quiet death. Meantime, if the doctor calls every morning and thumps and beats him, he can keep the patient submissive and perhaps force him to confess what is wrong with him”.
(From “How to be a doctor” by Stephen Leacock in “Literary Lapses”)
Are you one of the many people who wants to be a doctor, but never got around to it? Do you long to offer your medical ministrations when someone calls out “Is there a doctor in the house?” Are you jealous of TV actors who pretend to be doctors but are not, and get paid handsomely? Let’s explore your fantasy for a few minutes and see where it leads you before you are dragged off to jail.
Surely it can’t be too hard to be a pretend doctor.
Make sure you put “Dr” in front of your name. There are lots of people who call themselves “Dr” who aren’t Medical Doctors. Movie stars and musos are often given honorary doctorates by their old college in the hope of a sizable donation. Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually honorary Dr Schwarzenegger, although I wouldn’t trust him with my grumbling appendix.
Next step in becoming a doctor is wearing the right gear. Like the doctors on TV talk shows, wherever possible wear surgical scrubs even if you think a scalpel is a machine for treating dandruff. Alternatively wear a white coat and add gravitas by putting a stethoscope around your neck, not only at work but also at the shops and while driving. It’s good PR. If you are stopped by the police for speeding glance down at your stethoscope, look doctoral and say firmly “I’m on my way to the hospital and it’s life or death”. Not only will you avoid a speeding fine but you may also get a high-speed police escort to the hospital of your choice. Make sure it is one near your actual destination. When you arrive, with sirens blaring and lights flashing, jump out of the car, thank the police, run in the front entrance then out the back entrance. When the police leave, get back into your car and continue your journey.
If you must discard the scrubs, white coat or stethoscope (for example while out jogging or mountain climbing), wear a cheap t-shirt with some medical school logo on it such as “Harvard Doctoring School”. You may be able to find a discarded medical conference t-shirt in a used clothing store. I found one that said “Society of Addiction Physicians Conference – Las Vegas 1999”. Wear them all. Not all at once of course. That would be wasteful of good doctoral disguises.
Next, set up your medical practice. Find a part of your town with lots of existing medical clinics. Build your credibility by proximity. Rent rooms and put a sign out the front saying “Clinic – Dr Guitarstringer – appointments available” with a red cross on it. You are aiming to clinically assist your bank account so it is a clinic of sorts. Offer incentives such as three consultations for the price of two. Hire a receptionist. Out of work actors and drama students are good value. Give them a telephone headset and a computer to play with. Get them to recite a receptionist’s script such as: “Dr Guitarstringers’s rooms, can I help you? Sorry, he’s very busy at the moment. The next available appointment is in 3 month’s time on Friday the 13th at 7am, would that suit you? No? Well I do have a cancellation in 15 minutes. Can you come straight away?”
Make sure your patients have to wait. This gives the impression that you are very much in demand and spend a lot of time caring for your patient’s every needless need.
Then comes the matter of actually treating your patient. Always take the patient’s blood pressure and use your stethoscope even when treating an ingrown toenail . This builds confidence that you are a real doctor. Ask your patient detailed questions about their medical history and symptoms. These questions can be found on many internet self-diagnosis sites. Don’t prod or poke your patients but get them to do impossible stretches and balancing acts and look serious and go “tut tut” when they cry out in pain or fall over. Learn the names of a few complicated medical conditions and pronounce your diagnosis gravely. As you cannot prescribe actual prescription medications, specify non-prescription products such as harmless pain relievers, low-dose vitamins, saline eye drops, common antiseptic creams and totally innocuous herbal treatments available from a pharmacy. Always use the full pharmaceutical name. For example Vitamin C = Ascorbic acid. Prescribe below the recommended dosage to avoid any quick cures and reduced fees. Always ask patients to come back in a week for a review. If they are no better after three or four visits refer them verbally to some health professional who does not require a written referral. Look for a general practitioner who has a “specialist” interest in the problem area whether it is bubonic plague, bad breath or bladder doubt**.
Billing your patients can be a problem as they cannot claim any rebate from a health insurance fund or from the government because you are not actually a doctor. Charge a fee that is less than the rebated fee and explain that you do not want to exploit your patients as some clinics do and that they may be able to claim your fees on their income tax – which is nonsense. This last dodge will require you to move premises and change your professional name fairly often, but who said it was easy being a doctor, even a fake one? Of course you will not earn as much as a real doctor but your expenses will be much less and above all you will have the lasting satisfaction and respect that comes from being a real (phoney) physician.
-Geoff Milton
** bladder doubt is the nagging feeling that you may need to go, but then again, you may not.
