The three older women were walking up the ramp to catch a train. I happened to be within earshot of them.
“Belinda brought it back from Bali” one of them said to the others.
I was intrigued by this scrap of information. What was it that came back with Belinda from that Aussie tourist infested tropical isle? I had to find out. Was it a Balinese bargain? A unique gift? A unique disease?
Everyone had quite a wait for the next train so I wandered up to the women as they sat on the platform bench.
“Hi there” I smiled. We introduced ourselves. Their names were Beryl, Bronwyn and Brenda.
“The Queen Bees” said Beryl. “You know, like Beyoncé.” That shows self-confidence I thought.
“I couldn’t help hearing you mention Belinda and Bali and what she brought back. Just for fun, as we’ve got 10 minutes before the next train, could we play 10 questions to see if I can guess what it is?”
I expected them to look blank, shocked, offended or to call the station master, but they were good sports.
“Sure” said Beryl, the middle one. “I play this game with my young grandson. He’s seven and a half years old and very smart and you should see him when…..”
I cut in, not wanting the game to sink before it could swim.
“Well my hat size is seven and a half so this should be OK” I said.
“Do you all know how this works? I ask questions about the Belinda’s Bali thing and you just answer the question, with a few hints if you like, and I try to guess what it is, in ten questions or so”.
“You’re not one of those telemarketing people trying to sell us anything are you?” said Bronwyn who sounded just a bit too clever for me.
“No, no. I’m not a telemarketer. I’m just an ordinary person wanting to spice up my train trip with a bit of fun”.
Bronwyn looked at Brenda and raised her eyebrows. “Spice” she said cryptically. Perhaps she had been talking about a recent bad experience with a Rogan Josh.
“OK, OK, now let’s begin the questions” I said, trying to get on with our game. I started with my favourite question.
“Is it larger than a loaf of bread?”
“About the same size, but not for long” said Beryl, looking a bit smug.
“Not for long? That’s interesting”.
“Yes, very interesting” said Bronwyn with a smirk.
I concluded that this “thing” that Belinda had brought back must grow. Or did it shrink?
“Does it smell?”
“Smell? Those things stink!” said Beryl.
I had an uneasy feeling about where this was going but I pressed on.
“Does it … bark”?
Brenda answered this time.
“No, but you would if you had one” she said with a glint in her eye. I got a vague impression that I was being adroitly ambushed.
My mind was racing. Surely it couldn’t be a little dog could it? I had heard that some dogs such as basenjis don’t bark.
“Does it run?”
“Only if you run with it” came the reply.
I pictured myself jogging along the beach with a small silent Balinese lapdog trotting next to me.
“Is it dangerous?”
“Very dangerous long-term”.
Were Balinese basenjis known for being vicious or disease-ridden?
“Do you need to tie it up?”
“Belinda probably wrapped it up in paper and tied it up with string. She does that with everything” said Brenda.
By now I was rather worried that I had innocently stumbled on a cruel, illegal dog smuggling scheme headed by Belinda, aided and abetted by Beryl, Bronwyn and Brenda.
“Did Belinda hide it in her suitcase when she came through customs?”
“No, she just put it in her hand luggage. She brings them in all the time”.
My mind boggled.
“Did she declare it to quarantine?”
“No, she knows what she can get away with. She’s done it lots of times”.
I gulped. I really must report all this to Border Security.
“Two more questions”.
“Is Belinda worried it might be — infected with something?”
“Oh well, I’ve warned her often enough about bringing in things from Bali. But she never takes any notice of me, I’m just her grandmother” said Brenda.
“OK, here’s my last question”.
“Is it — a puppy?”
“A puppy! You must be barking mad! It’s illegal to bring a dog into this country. It might have rabies”.
“But you said it was about the same size as a loaf of bread, but not for long, so it must grow. It smells, it doesn’t bark but I would if I had one, it runs along with me, it can be dangerous, you need to tie it up and smuggle it through customs and it could be infected with something”.
“All true” said Bronwyn with a slightly superior smile, “except that it doesn’t grow. It shrinks as the contents are consumed”.
“So, what is it?”
“A box of those terrible Balinese clove cigarettes” said Brenda. “Belinda always brings back a big carton of them from Bali and she and her friends smoke them all in a few weeks. Who knows what’s in them. They’re perfectly legal to import. Dangerous if you ask me, and they smell!”
Just then the train pulled into the platform and I headed to another carriage away from the sniggering trio, who were clearly pleased with themselves for winning our little battle of wits.
Maybe I should stick to crossword puzzles.
-Geoff Milton
