I was about to go into my favourite coffee shop when I saw a strange sight across the road. What was that man doing rolling an office chair along the footpath towards the train station ?
No, wait! As he trundled past me I could see more clearly: it was two office chairs in a convoy.
But why?
Why were two big high-backed, ergonomic leather chairs rumbling along the footpath , jumping around like fish out of water ?
A cyclist slowed down and called out derisively: “Hey mate, what are you doing? Looking for a hot desk to park your chairs?
Maybe that was it. The local hot desk coworking centre had gone bust. I suspected my sleepy suburb was just too cool for hot desks. As for coworking, wasn’t that something to do with cows?
So maybe the cyclist got it right. The office chair trundler may have bought those high cost high back chairs to impress clients or fellow coworkers or all the cows that must be hanging around there somewhere. And now with the collapse of the “Hot with the Lot” hot desking office centre, the chair rolling entrepreneur was taking his major business assets to greener pastures. Or maybe he was putting them out to pasture, or out to stud or whatever you do with cows and chairs.
But why was he going towards the train station? Surely there was a better way to transport these serious seats? He might have tried towing them behind his bicycle or sending them by parcel post to his new address. But since the train station had been rebuilt with new ramps and lifts, maybe the rail solution made more sense for moving his own rolling stock.
Then I realized something else. The man and the chairs were also heading in the direction of the local shops. Now I had seen an interesting new retailing phenomenon in our neck of the woods. With the rise and rise of the big retailers and mega malls, the small local shopkeepers were doing it tough. They now spent a lot more time sitting around than in the good old days when their stores were crowded and business was booming. I had noticed that our own local meat supplier had brought in an ergonomic office chair and a big screen TV to while away the customer free hours. Better to be watching the Bold and the Beautiful soap opera than staring at trays of slow moving steaks and customer free cutlets. Maybe ChairMan (as I had now nicknamed him) was trying to sell this latest comfort item to time-heavy traders.
But maybe there was a more pedestrian purpose for these two office chairs.
I ran after ChairMan and asked him point blank: “Excuse me sir, I couldn’t help wondering where you were going with those two beautiful office chairs?”
“Why, want to buy them? he asked resignedly, for he already knew my answer.
“No thanks. I’ve got one of my own at home and it’s fiercely jealous of other chairs”.
“Aren’t they all” he muttered. “If you must know, I’m donating them to the charity op shop that supports the 9D Entrepreneur Relief Fund”.
“9D?” I said. “What does that mean?”
“Dejected, despondent, disconsolate, disheartened, discouraged, demoralised, devastated, downcast and defeated” he sighed.
“Is that you?” I said as sensitively as I could.
“Yes, all nine” he said.
“The business didn’t work out the way you had hoped?”
“Not at all.” You see, I sold office chairs for a living. Really good ones. But people have no need for good office chairs anymore. Standing desks have killed the sitting culture.”
“Like video killed the radio star?” I said, trying to ease the pain.
“Did he?” he muttered. Then a manic gleam came into ChairMan’s eyes.
“You mark my words. Standing desks are just the beginning. Next it will be standing park benches, standing cinemas, standing barber shops and standing wheelchairs.”
ChairMan bent over and cried on my shoulder.
It was a bit uncomfortable for both of us. So he sat down on one of his chairs. Then he sprang up, pushed both office chairs in front of an oncoming bus and ran down the footpath leaping and flapping his arms shouting out “I’m free! I’m free! “Free as a bee! Three cheers for me!”
“I’m going to go and live in the country and grow zucchinis and make zoodles noodles. Oodles of zoodles!”
I left him to it.
I needed to find that coffee.
© Geoff Milton 2019
