“The limpid waters of Lake Owatawetness ….. abound with every known variety of fish. Near to its surface, so close that the angler may reach out his hand and stroke them, schools of pike, pickerel, mackerel, doggerel, and chickerel jostle one another in the water. They rise instantaneously to the bait and swim gratefully ashore holding it in their mouths. In the middle depth of the waters of the lake, the sardine, the lobster, the kippered herring, the anchovy and other tinned varieties of fish disport themselves with evident gratification, while even lower in the pellucid depths the dog-fish, the hog-fish, the log-fish, and the sword-fish whirl about in never-ending circles”.
From “Back to the Bush “ by Stephen Leacock in “Literary Lapses”
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Minutes of the Australian Fishy Names Advisory Committee
Venue: Melbourne Aquarium and Oyster Bar
Co-chairs: Mr Barry Mundy and Ms Greta White-Shark.
Members present:
Mr Murray Codd, President of the Big River Fish Club of Australia
Ms Brook Trout, delegate from the Freshwater Fish Fellowship
Mr Kingsley George-Whiting, member of the Small Fish Guild
Ms Ann Chovy representing the Fast Food Fish Federation
Ms Coral Trout from the Tropical Fish Alliance
Visitors: an invited delegation of smoked trout representing veteran members of the fish community.
Observer: An uninvited participant, Mr Common Carp, also came to the meeting. He claimed to represent the Bottom Feeders Aquacycle Club but he refused to produce any credentials or identification, rejecting the enquiries as “typical examples of Fish Fascism”.
Agenda : Co-chair Barry Mundy welcomed committee members and visiting fish. He noted that the agenda for the committee remained the same as it had been for the last 25 years: to discuss and make recommendations to the relevant authorities on names of fish in Australia, while building goodwill and fishy co-operation with all water creatures great and small.
Business arising from minutes of previous meeting: Co-chair Ms Greta White-Shark said the previous meeting had focussed on small fish which she described as “unsatisfying” as she really preferred discussing and eating large fish rather than small ones. Mr Mundy asked Ms White-Shark to please focus on the naming of fish rather than on the eating of fellow fish and other creatures.
He also welcomed the delegation of smoked trout representing the retired fish population and complimented them on their well preserved appearance and bronzed Aussie complexions.
Mr Murray Codd broke in at this point saying that no action had been taken since the last meeting to protect local species such as cod in the Murray-Darling river system in the face of foreign competition for scarce resources. Uninvited observer Mr Common Carp interrupted by shouting that Mr Codd was “a typical lazy whingeing Aussie fish who thought the world owed him a living”. He added that he and fellow members of the global Carp family, as aggressive entrepreneurs, disrupters and wave-makers, had managed to haul in a good living as bottom feeders in Australian rivers by driving out lazy competitors such as Mr Codd who “expected his meals to be hand delivered to him on a seafood platter”. He finished by saying he didn’t see why fish species who were afraid of hard work should receive preferential treatment or any treatment at all “other than a quick trip to the deep-fryer”.
Mr Codd said that Mr Carp’s remarks were highly offensive and that he would be launching legal action in the Piscatory Supreme Court alleging slimy slander, character gutting and spreading sea bottom rumours about him. He added that he considered Mr Carp to be a slippery, scaly, foul smelling disgrace to the fish kingdom, useful only as the chief ingredient in Carp Corpse garden fertilizer.
Despite the attempts of Mr Mundy, the meeting degenerated into general uproar and insults.
Co-chair Ms White-Shark called the members to order and pointed out that, as Mr Mundy had just reminded them, they were meeting to discuss names of fish not to call one another names or carry on like piranhas at a feeding frenzy.
Ms Ann Chovy asked the meeting to formally recognise the hard work of anchovies in promoting themselves in the pizza industry which had brought great satisfaction to themselves and millions of pizza lovers worldwide. At this point the elderly smoked trout representatives started chanting “plain pizza, no anchovies” again and again and had to be forcibly removed by the giant squid security guards.
Co-chair Barry Mundy again strongly urged the members to focus on fish names, not fish origins or innate differences in size, colour, flavour, popularity or orientation towards living in oceans, rivers or estuaries.
He then tabled a letter from the Shark Association about the renaming of the Gummy Shark. He handed over the debate to Ms White-Shark as a dedicated member of the species with a family interest in the matter. She read the letter which asked the Fishy Names committee to come up with a more marketable name for the Gummy Shark. Shark Association members felt that “Gummy” had connotations of fish with a chewy texture like chewing gum or a fish so soft it could be eaten by toothless people using only their gums.
Mr Kingsley “King” George-Whiting agreed that the name Gummy was not attractive to the fish buying public and suggested a more dignified regal name such as “Emperor shark”. He also warned against the use of the name ‘King Shark” as it would cause confusion with his own species and his well respected cousins, the Kingfish and King Prawns.
Further barbs, slurs and sledges were hurled at various members. Ms Coral Trout tried to move a formal motion that Mr “King” George-Whiting be renamed Mr “Elitist Snobfish”.
Mr Barry Mundy noted that as usual the Committee had failed to agree on anything and that the meeting was hereby abandoned until next month. He added that at the next meeting they would consider the proposed name change of the Grey Nurse shark to the Grey Caring shark so as to be more inclusive of all caring professions. They would also discuss the proposal by the Flounders to rid themselves of their undeserved reputation for being floundering incompetents by renaming themselves as “Modest Ability” fish. The Committee would also consider a proposal for renaming the “Common” Galaxia to the “Popular” Galaxia to avoid connotations of being ignorant, uneducated fish when in fact they lived in schools. Ms Greta White-Shark also tabled a petition signed by over ten million sardines proposing a name change to the more distinguished looking “Tsardines”. They felt this may increase their popularity in the traditional Russian market. Ms White-Shark said they would also vote on a censure motion regarding the misuse of the name “fish fingers” in the commonly available frozen fish because, as they all knew only too well, fish do not have any fingers. The members then left the aquarium and informally adjourned to the nearby Flying Fish Hotel and spa which was holding a “Drink like a fish night” which featured highly aerated fresh, sea and brackish water on tap and a menu special of “all you can eat” krill and seagrass.
© Geoff Milton 2020
