Arthur and Maria had spent many years building up a loyal clientele for their gourmet cafe and coffee roastery “Gold Standard Coffee” in my home town of Melbourne, the coffee snob capital of the world. But the grinding pandemic had been a bitter experience for them and brought a dark brew of problems for everyone. Sales had been weaker than a quarter strength decaf and staff had to be filtered out. And so Arthur and Maria had a brainstorming session about how to meet the challenges of the Covid coffee catastrophe of 2020.
Arthur came from a long family line of garbage removalists. He put a strong case for a business pivot from coffee extraction into waste extraction. The coffee business, he said, was a non-essential industry whereas waste disposal was an essential service, always in demand. He pointed out that waste was also a stagnant industry, ripe for an extra shot of innovation. There were opportunities, he said, for a luxury garbage disposal service. “What we need is personalized care in waste management” said Arthur. “We could offer gold standard garbage disposal exactly tailored to the needs of our customers like a double shot single origin long black with hot milk on the side”.
“We would be like a barista who weighs every gram of coffee and measures the temperature to the degree” added Maria. “Exactly” said Arthur.
Here is Arthur and Maria’s luxury gold standard garbage disposal menu.
GOLD STANDARD GARBAGE REMOVAL – MENU
Garbo plunger method. For this technique, sometimes called the Glunger method, your garbage is carefully hand pressed by an experienced operator using a hand tamper, producing a compacted cake of garbage. This is then knocked out into the back of the truck. Though the process is a bit unrefined in character, it is easier for the operator and is a quicker, cheaper option for the customer. Garbo plunger method ensures minimum volumes of material are sent to landfill.
Garbo Chino. With this service the garbage is also tamped down to compact it, then forced through a heavy duty filter under high pressure to remove the squishy organic waste material, which is returned to you for composting. Many of our customers prefer their bins to be sanitized after emptying so the popular Garbo Chino option delivers a 30 second hand directed short shot of steam and detergent into your bin, leaving it fresh and frothy.
Glatte. This features a heavy duty transparent glass bin. This proclaims to the neighbours that you have nothing to hide in your waste stream and that you are right up with the trendiest of garbage extraction trends. A large napkin is placed around the bin before it is gripped and hoisted into the truck. Like the Garbo Chino service, bins are steamed and frothed after waste extraction. However the Glatte option uses less steam and low froth detergent in the bin cleaning stage. This produces an ideal surface for spray-on glatte art by our talented glatte artists. Artwork options include pictures of old banana peels, fish skeletons and various abstract garbage bag patterns, palm trees etc. These patterns vary each time depending on the operator’s talent and temper and a photograph is sent directly to your phone for your enjoyment.
Garbo espresso. This is a service for extraction of small volume, high density garbage. Once your bin is emptied it is cleaned with pressurized steam and hot water, causing your garbage grime to rise to the top, producing a beautiful layer of grema or garbage crema to admire or share on social media.
Extra shot long black. This option offers additional shakes of the bin as it disgorges into the truck, to ensure a completely empty experience. No more half emptied bins. It is especially suitable for tall bins which have accumulated strange looking dark waste with a strong earthy aroma which has become wedged in the bin and appears to be growing.
Garbo bags. With this processing method, your garbage is sealed into porous mesh bags, steeped in boiling water and enzymes for two to three minutes before the bags are squeezed dry and disposed of responsibly. The rich chocolatey liquid which is extracted can be retained and poured over your garden. This garbage gold contains valuable bacteria and aromatic organic matter which may enrich the soil and enrage the neighbours. It can also be used as a starter mix to ferment home brewed kombucha or to kill snails.
Cold drip. This is the slowest, but quietest and most careful method of emptying your waste into the truck. It is especially suitable for customers who enjoy savouring the process and aroma of garbage disposal. Each item of waste is dropped into the truck as slowly as possible. Ultra careful angling of your rubbish bin and noise cancellation technology ensure a gentle drop and no crashing or bashing noises. The process is lubricated by soft, cold water droplet sprays. The long wait is worth it for sensitive garbage connoisseurs with time on their hands who like to micro-manage every household activity.
Pour over. This is the most labour intensive method of garbage disposal. It is preferred by those who appreciate care and attention to detail in organic, fair trade waste management. Each item of garbage is picked up by hand, washed, and quietly and carefully placed into the truck. This is the most respectful way to dispose of articles such as children’s artwork and old toys and your relatives’ broken crockery which they left you in their wills. A gold standard surcharge applies.
Extras
Hot milk on the side. This service provides a small bucket of hot soapy water for those customers who like to add their own preferred amount of cleanser to wash their own bins in their own nitpicking way.
Hand lid closing service. This means no more rain filled bins caused by lids that are left open to the weather and less temptation for neighbours who view your bin space as their own.
No-bump lowering. Bins are carefully lowered onto a rubber mat, ensuring no bin crash, no bin overturning and no broken bin wheels. The mat is then magically removed by highly trained mat flickers who can also remove a tablecloth from a table without disturbing a six person table setting. This is an entertaining spectacle for young and old alike, especially enjoyed by children and small excitable dogs.
© Geoff Milton 2021
