We all know the difference between off and on, or do we? Our washing machine, having finished the thankless task of removing smells and stains from my clothes, should be off, but it’s not truly off. It’s doing something. The blue light, labelled “in use” is still on. So just what is going on? The washer is probably connected to the Internet of Things, like all up to date domestic appliances these days. Has it been hacked? Is it being used by someone to mine cryptocurrency? Is it being used to gather my personal information for blackmail purposes, threatening to air my dirty linen in public? Taking a more charitable view, maybe the washer (who we nicknamed “Queenie” because of her brand name) is busy in the background with her own humanitarian interests and quirky hobbies. Perhaps she is contributing to a co-operative research project on how to assist world peace by refusing to wash the uniforms of totalitarian dictators. This will make them look like the dirty rotten scoundrels they really are. I imagine this is a joint project involving washers from all over the washing machine world. Whatever Queenie is doing when she should be off, it all comes to a sudden stop when I decisively turn the power switch off at the wall. Give yourself a break, Queenie. Off means off duty. Don’t burn out your electronic brain. Stop and smell the roses, not dirty armpits.
For retail businesses in pandemic times, things are definitely off. “Sales are off 80%, and we’ve had to put off most of our employees” said one roast chicken retailer in an interview in our local media. But strangely, whenever I go into that shop, I notice the same three people I always see there, still on the job: the owner, Clark, his brother, Cole and their father, Mr Chikins. Who are the mysterious workers who were laid off? Maybe Uncle Groucho was always there, standing unseen on duty behind the rotisserie, rotating the handle at the optimum speed for perfect charcoal chicken. But maybe falling sales resulted in him being replaced by an inexpensive electric motor, so that he is now off work and on the dole? Had invisible grandma Yaya been furiously packing Greek salads and scalloped potatoes out the back somewhere, but now she is off the payroll at the shop and eking out a living as an online dog trainer?
Other businesses have put staff on, not off, since the onset of the pandemic. Overseas tours and cruises may be off due to Covid lockdowns, but it is game on for domestic tourism operators. They now have tours to places in Australia which I am sure have never existed before and which may have been constructed purely for the tourist trade. I suspect some of them are just old movie sets bought cheaply online and set up in some offbeat outback location. Local tourists around here have been heading off on the Silo Art Trail. They are travelling from one small farming town to another, not to find work but to admire the local wheat silos. These big storage bins have been decorated artistically to hide their brutalist grey concrete exteriors, but who could have ever predicted that wheat silos would ever get on the map as tourist attractions? Such is the world of desperate disruptive business innovation in 2021. Luxury cruise ships are out, grain storage is in. Flights are stuck on the runway, road trips have taken off.
“Lamb’s often on the menu, but today it’s off”, said Leonardoff, the friendly proprietor of the Onski bistro in Lykoff Street, one of Melbourne’s favorite eateries.
“You don’t mean it’s gone off, you know, gone bad, do you?” I said, a bit put off.
“Well, not exactly bad, but nothing’s really good these days, is it? Everything’s off and on” he replied.
“The Covid lockdown is off, then it’s on again. So the bistro is open, then it’s closed. Because of Covid the electricity is off and on as well”.
“Electricity? What’s that got to do with it?” I said, mystified.
“It’s a well known fact” he confided conspiratorially. “I saw it on the Covid Fax website”.
“The virus actually attacks the electricity wires, causing them to short circuit, and then the power goes off. Then it comes on again when the technicians come and replace them”.
“That’s ridiculous!” I said, “You must be off your rocker”!
“You’re not the first customer to say that,” said Leonardoff, resignedly.
“But it’s true. When one of the cooks came down with Covid, our power went off and then it came on again when he left and went off to self isolate. The electrician showed me the faulty wires – eaten through by coronaviruses. He said it was rats, but I’m sure it’s those nasty little viruses. There’s so many of them, and they … well this on again off again business it’s…. like falling off a horse and then climbing back on … off and on, off and on …”
Leonardoff suddenly brightened up, as if he had retrieved a distant persistent memory. “Would you like a coffee? The espresso machine’s back on”.
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© Geoff Milton 2021
