Surely now is the time to call for equal rights for all the different typefaces of the world. Fonts have feelings too, whether they are full blooded serifs, shy little sans serifs, script fonts that can only mimic a handwritten shopping list or big bold brassy display fonts that want to grab you by the eyeballs.
Recently I came across one list of “the worst fonts in existence” ① .Imagine how you would feel if you were a font such as Comic Sans, and the whole world mocked you mercilessly? ② Now I know a bit about Comic S. In fact I know a few of the Sans family including Buffoon Sans and Smart Aleck Sans. Comic is a bit of a jester, a comedian, prone to playing practical jokes. I remember one time I had to print a restaurant menu, and feeling light hearted, I chose good old Comic Sans. I thought he would create a playful mood as people read the menu, ordered their food and had a joke at his expense. “This menu looks like it was printed by my five year old grandson” they would say. To my shame, I too was kicking a font that was already down. But tried and true Comic had the last laugh and printed only one line on each page. Each of the menus had to be bound and gagged into a book that was as thick as “War and Peace”. Diners did not get the joke at all, nor did the wait staff who had to do weight training just to carry the menus.
Next on the list of fonts suffering persecution is Trajan Pro. This powerful font was named after the Roman Emperor Trajan who ruled in the early 100s AD. It was inspired by the lettering on texts describing Trajan’s Column, Trajan’s Bridge and Trajan’s Market ②. These were all humble monuments Trajan built to celebrate himself ③. It is disliked for being UPPER CASE ONLY. Beware. Like all things Roman Emperor-ish, this font may well take over your computer, your life and enslave your family and start charging you crippling taxes. Like engaging in human rights negotiations with Attila the Hun, handle this font with care or it may gradually devour you.
Impact font has been described as “so heavy, it’s impossible to read”. ④ In the interest of defending the right of all typefaces to be heavy if they want to, I would like to defend big old Impact. Though Impact is undeniably weighty, you could always use a crane to pick him up, shake him around and force some legible characters out of him. Alternatively for the sake of his health you could put him on a low toner diet and use a daily quick print program and I’m sure the weight would fall off Impact by the truckload. Mind you, the constant cleaning of your printer could be very tedious and messy.
Constantia font is
characterised by one fontologist as having “rounded letter forms that …are not that good” ⑤ . What has body shape got to do with anything? Last time I looked in the mirror, in 2003, I had a rounded form. My favorite sport, tennis, features very rounded balls. In the interest of non discrimination of roundness, I urge you not to cancel Constantia and her kin. The earth itself is round. Why not have a font that is round? Let Constantia hang around for a while yet.
Curlz. “If you’re …. up to 10 years old you should use this font for invitations … for your tea party. Otherwise you have no reason to use this font” said the same font critic ⑥. Now I think this is a very narrow minded, ageist attitude towards little Curlz. In fact, this font has great potential for excelling in areas of life other than printing invitations to a 10 year old’s tea party. How about printing poetry for 10 year olds? For instance, this classic poem by Henry Longfellow looks and sounds great printed in Curlz:
“There was a little girl, who had a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very very good,
But when she was bad she was horrid.”
Copperplate Gothic has been slandered as being “bad and old looking with influences from the Roman and Victorian era”. Now this is offensive on many levels. I know of many ancient Romans, who were not “bad and old looking”. Take Emperor Nero for example. He was not so much bad as very bad and completely mad. He was only “old looking” because he has been dead for 1,832 years come June.
Times New Roman is a font that strikes despair into many computer users’ hearts, especially those who remember constantly confronting it as the drab default font in Windows 95. One font blogger described Times New Roman as “devoid of (any) personality whatsoever“ and “so unremarkable that it can actually be a distraction”⑧ . No matter how much I feel I need to stand up for equal rights for all fonts, I’m inclined to agree with this assessment. So let’s just ignore old Times NR and hope he dies peacefully one day in his sleep mode.
As a shock font surely Bleeding Cowboys has it all. Chiefly criticized for its penchant for “random fading on the letters”, even its designer hates it: “I was seeking something that smelled like a broken down … cowboy.” said Guillaume Seguin. ⑨ I would like to defend its existence because it represents a rapidly declining minority group: dying cowboys who are bleeding onto the page, having been gored to death by the swirling cattle horns protruding from this font. Incidentally in trying to pair two fonts in one document, never team up Bleeding Cowboys with the Taken By Vultures font. All that will be left on the printed page will be dry bones and a very bad smell.
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© Geoff Milton 2022
① webdesigndev.com “20 worst fonts you will want to avoid”
② “Comic Sans represents the invisible evil force that is making the print designer less and less relevant … the hatred for Comic Sans is arguably violent” (DesignforHackers.com “Why you hate Comic Sans”)
② webdesigndev.com “20 worst fonts”
③ Wikipedia “Trajan”
④ webdesigndev.com “20 worst fonts”
⑤ ibid.
⑥ ibid.
⑦ ibid.
⑧ 99designs.com.au “The best and worst typefaces and why”.
⑨ joplinglobe.com “Bleeding Cowboys font designer tired of his own creation”
