“There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge” – Bertrand Russell “In Praise of Idleness and Other Essays” (1935)
“Well, Bonzo” said his mother,”Today is a big day for you”
“Why Mum? said Bonzo, who was struggling to put on his oversized clown shoes and baggy trousers and fill his water squirter.
“Today is a big day because today you will sit for the Endless Ed scholarship examination”.
“Is it like sitting in the dentist’s chair for a tooth examination?” said Bonzo, holding his hand over his mouth.
“Not exactly,” said his mother.
“Today you will be set free from having to dress up in a humiliating clown costume and you will start on a path of life-long learning, fame and fortune”.
“But I seem to be famous already” said Bonzo.
“Kids are always shouting out my name and calling me Clown Prince Bonzo”.
“Oh well, fortune then” said his mother. “Everyone needs a lot of money to be well educated and get ahead these days”.
“But I earn plenty of pocket money from my children’s party clown fees” said Bonzo.
“What about more respect? Even clowns like a bit of R-E-S-P-E-C-T”.
“Okay” said Bonzo “I’d like that, instead of being treated like a jackass all the time”.
“What happens if I win the scholarship?”
“You will transfer your primary school education to the Eton Collar Primary School, then move on to secondary education at the Oxford Circus School followed by the North by North West Point military discipline school”.
“What about university?” said Bonzo, who had recently learnt the word.
“That’s when you will have your artistic side nurtured,” said his mother “by enrolling in the famous Spandau Ballet”.
“We’ll have to get you some new shoes for that”.
“Is that all? said Bonzo.
“No! Remember this scholarship is for lifelong learning and endless education, from womb to tomb”.
“Next you’ll move into elite postgraduate education at the Printston Medical Exemption school and PhD research at the Massachoosetts Institute of Catnap Technology in the final step of your lifelong learning and practical preparation for retirement.”
“Sounds like fun…..not.” said Bonzo glumly.
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The examiners for the Endless Ed educational scholarship had all been asked to submit their questions. One million dollars was at stake for some clever child’s lifelong learning, so the crafting of the exam questions was critical to separating the wheat from the chaff and letting the cream rise to the top to win the best in show award.
The Chief Examiner Mr Ian Vigilator had called together all the examiners to discuss their questions to discover the million dollar child who would be infinitely informed, instructed and indoctrinated.
Aristotle Jones was first off the mark.
“My question”, he began ponderously, “explores the tension between Socratic Method Acting, and Platonic Love Letters. In this process, we could see breakthroughs in thinking and logic which could create a new paradigm shift in … everything, subject to the earth’s tectonic plate stresses of course”.
“And the question is?” asked a stern faced Mr Vigilator
“My question is this:
“Who Put the Bomp in the Bomp Bah Bomp Bah Bomp, Who Put the Ram in the Rama Lama Ding Dong?”
“Nice one” said Peter Pendant, a fellow examiner. “I’d like to shake your hand if you get the correct answer to that one”.
“My PhD examined that question which comes, of course, from the song of the same name by Barry Mann and Gerry Goffin” continued Aristotle (1).
“Various explanations have been put forward over the years, in song language of course. Jan and Dean arrogantly claimed “We Put the Bomp” , Frankie Lymon claimed “I Put the Bomp” but I have proven conclusively that the lyrics came from The Marcelle’s version of “Blue Moon” and The Edsels’ “Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong”. (2)
“Anyone brought along a more cultured question?” growled Mr Vigilator.
“Well”, said Trent de Trend, an independent celebrity and lifestyle influencer, “I always tell my 3 million social media followers that there is more culture in one oyster or one tub of biodynamic yoghurt than in all the Mozarts, Monets and Barry Manilows of conventional western culture”.
“My question is this:
Is “Disco Duck”
a) a mocktail made with TabHotsco sauce, crushed garlic, durian yoghurt and pickled duck
(b) an Aussie slang expression describing hyperactive poultry
(c) A 1976 song originally included in the hit movie “Saturday Night Fever” in a scene where John Travolta imitated a dancing duck.
“Culturally of course John Travolta comes up trumps for me every time and (c) is the correct answer”.
“What about you, mister engineer ?”said Mr Vigilator through gritted teeth.
“Do you have something practical and concrete instead of all this namby-pamby stuff and nonsense?”
Newton McMotion put his copy of “How to mix concrete in your kitchen blender” back in his overalls pocket, paused and said thoughtfully “Something concrete? Sure can. One of the great questions in our profession at the moment is how to manufacture cheap green concrete. What can we add to concrete to make it more environmentally friendly which at the same time is economical?
So my examination question is this:
To make green concrete should we add:
(a) Finely ground used solar panels
(b) Donated green vegetables scraped from your dinner plates
(c) An emulsion of shredded primary school artwork and compacted participation awards
“The answer” said McMotion, “depends on the availability and cost of raw materials so these children’s answers will help us to decide which way to go with drumming up donations of ingredients for green concrete”.
“So this is really a question for your own benefit not theirs!” said Mr Invigilator with feeling.
“As the great engineer Bob De Builder said, “Can we fix it? Yes we can, if we have cheap components and good coffee to keep everyone happy” said McMotion.
Bonzo did not win the scholarship. It was too technical for him and gave him no opportunity to squirt people in the eye with water or juggle flaming mobile phones. Instead he enrolled in the local School of Hard Knocks, Joys and Disappointments. He is doing quite well and he has made some new friends who are all class clowns just like himself.
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© Geoff Milton 2022
(1) Youtube “Who put the Bomp?”
(2) Wikipedia “Who put the Bomp?”
(3) The scene was later deleted.
See Wikipedia “Disco Duck” and Youtube “Saturday Night Fever – 2 Extremely Rare Deleted Scenes”
