“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” Emo Philips (1990)
Admit it. We get close to our computers just like we get close to our dogs. They both have funny little habits like lying down and refusing to move on, both make endearing little whining or whirring sounds and both need expensive ongoing protection from parasites and viruses. Laptop computers and dogs can both be taken for a walk, although only one is self propelled and the other needs to be carried in a backpack. Then again, miniature poodles may be quite happy with their furry little heads sticking out of the top of a backpack as they think how well they have trained their owners to cart them around.
In my personal reflections about personal computers, I’ll skip over the heavy “tower” stage of my association with PCs and move straight into the land of laptops. They sound kind of cosy don’t they? Sitting on your sofa with your laptop and your lap dog, a lap quilt, and lapsang souchong tea ……. But don’t be fooled, the laptop is a fickle friend and formidable foe.
I originally started my laptop career with a large glossy black and chrome computer, which was quite stylish if you liked the Mafia limo look. Looking back with energy saving eyes, I now realise it was very portly and power-hungry, and therefore very gas emitting, although I could never smell any. As well as this, the manufacturer refused to supply any replacement batteries. When the old battery died after charging and recharging again and again like an old cavalry horse, I had to tether it to the wall socket. The old nag was forced to stay permanently in its stall and could never again go with me to “ride the range in a Ford V8”. (1)
I bought a compatible replacement battery to give the old thing a new lease of life, but the battery strenuously objected to fitting in. No matter how much I logically reasoned or sweetly cajoled, it refused to snap into place.
I reported the matter to a higher authority who knew all about wayward batteries. My rebellious energy collector was brutally persuaded to co-operate with the aid of a small, shiny but persuasive hammer wielded by a highly trained battery enforcer called Furio from local repairer “FixDePuter”.
But even with the new battery, the old black power gobbler eventually slowed down to a crawl. By the time I gave up on it, it had so little energy left it took 6 or 7 minutes after I hit the power button before it showed any signs of life. A right-click of the mouse in any program was too energy-consuming for it, or else it had forgotten what all those right-click options were. So, like many of us as we’re getting older, it just slumped onto the desk for a catnap for the rest of the afternoon. I say this sympathetically as a siesta enthusiast myself, but really …
My new satin finish silver computer was advertised as being very energy-efficient. Every process had been tuned, turbocharged and highly polished so that any energy used was practically impossible to measure.
Its piece de resistance was a stealthy and sneaky energy-saving feature which was like a car that turns itself off when idling too long at the traffic lights to save fuel. My new computer disconnected itself from the internet if it decided I was having a micro sleep. Even using a “Mouse Jiggler” to simulate hyperactive computer use(2) could not convince it to chill out and stop turning itself off and on.
This was one of the most frustrating computer features I’d come across in quite a while. Basically, for my brand of laptop, it turned off the internet connection randomly and then, after waiting for a few seconds, turned it back on again. I presumed the idea was to disconnect the internet when the computer was not being used, thus saving the little droplet of power used by the internet connection adapter thingy. But it had its own very arbitrary idea of when to stop and when to start up again. Zoom calls were interrupted erratically, causing colleagues to freeze and then talk-very-quickly-on-fast-forward. Downloads were shut down on a whim. The download files took offence at this treatment and then advertised themselves as “failed” downloads, which was bad for the other components’ morale and my frustration levels.
For months I put up with this bad behaviour, as I could imagine wasting months trying to figure out how to solve the problem. Would it involve a costly visit to hammer happy Furio, my local PC repairer? Would it involve disabling the mysterious Bigfoot Boot Agent which was lurking somewhere in the computer BIOS? Whatever Bigfoot was, it sounded dangerous.(3) But no! Brave techy people had gone before me, suffered off-and-on-again internet, investigated possible causes and solutions and then published the fix for the benefit of all. A computer forum hero had discovered the location of the Energy Efficient Ethernet option and knew how to pull it into line. In my brand of computer this feature had obviously gone over to the dark side. I found the option buried deep in the so-called “advanced” properties of W**dows Device Manager. I unticked it, which rendered it powerless, like Superman encountering Kryptonite and – problem solved. No more random disconnections. With a simple click I had repulsed the forces of laptop lawlessness.
My new silver computer now uses 0.001% more power than it used to. I figured I could offset that extra carbon dioxide by getting one of those plastic-box face masks which is actually a mini greenhouse which you wear over your head It contains real soil and real plants which absorb carbon dioxide breath and emit oxygen (4). I am sure this will make up for my micro increase in emissions due to me seizing back control of my internet connection and showing my laptop who’s who.
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© Geoff Milton 2022
(1) Youtube “I’m an old cowhand (from the Rio Grande)” by Johnny Mercer, sung by Bing Crosby.
(2) Lifehacker.com.au “How To Make It Look Like You’re Working From Home When You’re Not”
(3) Notebookchat.com “Wie kann ich diesen Bigfoot Boot Agenten entfernen und wieder ins normale gelangen ….?” which means “How can I remove this Bigfoot Boot Agent and get back to normal life without being attacked and eaten? ……”
(4) YouTube “Portable Oasis a breath of fresh air”
