A Shorten Humorless interview with Shaun Lorne, the Guerilla Gardener.
SH: Welcome Shaun. You’re creating quite a stir in the world of gardening with your new book and podcast “The Guerilla Gardener – Smashing the Lawn Myth”
Firstly I’d like to ask why you call yourself a guerilla gardener. That’s a very violent description for a gentle pastime isn’t it?
SL: The time for chit chat and talky talk is over. We need nothing less than a complete overthrow of conventional western lawn culture.
SH: OK, you’ve got our attention. What’s the bottom line? If time for talky talk is over, what should we changey change?
SL: I hope you are ready for this Shorten. But by the look of you, you wouldn’t know couch grass from the couch that you sit on all day and you haven’t actually mowed a lawn since 1993.
So here’s my manifesto and call to action: if you live in a property with a lawn that you have to grow and mow, GET RID OF IT! Root it out, eradicate it, dig it up, set it on fire and replace it with something else.
SH: What could possibly replace a freshly mown lawn?
SL: Anything will do! Cover it in mulch or pile on the pebbles or dig a huge sandpit full of quirky little garden gnomes or Uncle Cliff’s rusted steel sculptures. These will be far less frustrating and time consuming than maintaining a lawn.
SH: But ….. lots of people like lawns and have fond memories of playing cricket on the lawn and breaking their first window, playing with the family dog on the lawn and cleaning up its mess, rolling around on the lawn and discovering their allergy to grass seeds ….
SL: OK Shorten, I admit some lawns have a purpose, including for playing certain sports. But let people do it on someone else’s lawn. If a family member needs a lawn to play lawn bowls or to practise lawn mower racing (1) then pay for them to join a sports club. Do whatever it takes. If someone gives you a lawn chair or a James Thurber cast iron lawn dog (2) which needs a grassy home, re-gift it to someone who has a lawn. This will save you a lot of grief in the long run and buy back years of wasted time.
SH: But lawns are so green and soft and, well, grassy … and such a pleasure to look at. As Francis Bacon said “Nothing is more pleasant to the eye than green grass kept finely shorn.” You should know that quote Shaun. And there’s nothing like the smell of freshly cut grass is there?…
SL: Next you’ll say “But what about “The Green Green Grass Of Home”, that famous song about lawns by Tom Jones? If Tom likes lawns, why shouldn’t I?” If you look up the lyrics, Shorten, you will see in the last verse that he’s actually describing a dream he had while he was on death row, just before being executed at daybreak and being buried “neath the green green grass of home”. Better not to get mixed up in that sort of dream, either on top of or under the lawn.
SH: You can’t just banish lawns. They’re a central part of the great suburban dream. In my suburb, It’s your moral duty on Saturday afternoons to mow your lawn.(3)
SL: If you must have a lawn, then plant grass that grows to a certain height and then stops growing and generally stays under control. Dwarf Mondo grass is one possibility, or Australian Wallaby grass, the smaller, more reasonable brother of Kangaroo grass. Chamomile lawn is another alternative. It is also good for making chamomile tea, but not if you have a dog.
SH: Are there other definite hazards to avoid in alternative lawns?
SL: Never plant Pampas grass which is more like a family of llamas than a grass and grows to a height of up to 4 metres.
Kikuyu grass is impossible to control and will take over your entire house if you let it run. It will grow into drains and over footpaths and up trees if left uncut. On the other hand, if you make a living mowing lawns, suggest that your customers plant Kikuyu and you will have a job for life.
SH: But if for instance you have to look after grandma’s lawn, what should you do to keep it neat and tidy?
SL: First, choose a lawn mower. The main types are those with petrol engines or electric motors. Petrol mowers are generally highly polluting and noisy. Always wear ear protection. If grandma’s mower is an old 2-stroke requiring a mix of petrol and oil for fuel then you may want to don a gas mask as well, to avoid inhaling the smoke. 4-stroke petrol mowers are quieter but heavier, so it’s like pushing an SUV compared to pushing a shopping trolley. Also avoid old mowers with no grass catcher or guard. They are called “toe-cutters” for a good reason.
SH: But electric mowers are OK aren’t they?
SL: Mains powered electric mowers need long electricity leads for power with the risk of running over the cord and electrocuting yourself. You should try it. But an electric mower is a lot quieter than a petrol mower and any smoky emissions are belched out miles away at the power station, so your neighbours won’t object so much.
SH: What about those cute little battery mowers you see people fiddling with?
SL: Battery-powered electric mowers are similar to large electric shavers on wheels but are slightly more powerful. You will need a good number of fully charged batteries on hand to send in as replacements when the next one goes down and has to be stretchered off. It’s like replacing exhausted football players.
SH: What about just doing everything by hand?
SL: Hand clippers are okay for small pocket lawns but be careful not to snip off a finger. They can also be used for clipping strange crop circles in the lawn to scare everyone. And don’t forget nail scissors. These are the tool of choice for obsessives who like the look of a manicured lawn with razor sharp edges.
Basically, if you want to enjoy a good looking lawn, join a golf club or visit a lawn cemetery, otherwise forget it.
SH: You’re kidding right? This whole interview has been one big lawn joke at my expense hasn’t it?
SL: Garden guerillas never joke.
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© Geoff Milton 2022
(1) abc.net.au “Lawnmower racing proves a cutting-edge sport”
(2) “The Pet Department” in “The Owl in the Attic” by James Thurber
(3) Wikipedia “Lawn” (Social impacts). “It is implied that a neighbor whose lawn is not in pristine condition is morally corrupt”
