Alfredo, the Formula 1 racecar driver, realised he needed help. He had lost his will to win, his need for speed and his F1 car keys had gone missing.
Each morning when he woke up, he didn’t know if he would feel as fiery as a Ferrari Enzo or as tepid as a Toyota Corolla. His racing career was rapidly disintegrating like a burst tyre flinging rubber all over the track.
His hot and cold approach to work and life had blown up several engines, lost him many races he could have won, and earned him zero bottles of champagne to spray all over everyone on the winner’s platform.
“You’ve got to change, Alfredo” said the team manager. “Look deep in your rear view mirror and find out what’s really going on in the inner depths of your personal motivation motor. Light that fire in your belly again, rekindle the sparkle in your eye you used to have when you were tearing down the home straight to victory. Rediscover that steel in your spine that meant you would never give in, never give up and never give way to a car that had already entered the roundabout”.
The next day Alfredo (or Alf as he preferred these days, not wanting to sound too much like a bowl of pasta) took himself off to his local doctor for help.
“Doc, you’ve got to help me” he pleaded.
What seems to be the problem?”” said Dr Literalli, who did not own a car, had no interest in sport and only knew about racing as a heart condition.
“It’s about me losing the fire in my belly,” said Alf, poking himself vigorously in the stomach.
“Any other symptoms?” said the good doctor L.
“Yes, the spark in my eye and the steel in my spine” said Alf, feeling desperate and a bit unsure about exactly what his team manager had meant.
“These are very serious symptoms indeed if you put them all together” said Dr L. “First of all, can you describe this fire? Is it tingling, dull pain or searing pain like acid?
“Doc, belly fire is like something deep inside your guts that keeps you pushing and pushing until you feel you’ve got nothing left, no more bullets in the magazine, no more gas in the tank.
“I see” said Dr L, who imagined a cross between natural bodily functions and World War 2.
“So it’s like a burning sensation that causes you to push harder and harder until … it’s all gone? asked Dr L. tactfully.
“That’s right, and you know you’ve left nothing on the table”. *
“So you have an insatiable hunger as well?” said Dr L , “And that leads to overindulgence followed by this burning in the belly”.
“But I don’t have it anymore” said Alf, starting to sweat. “And I want it back, like in the good old days”.
“Sounds like this has become something of an obsession for you” said Dr L very gently.
“You have to be obsessed if you want the big outcome and the big pay off and the shoey of champagne” said Alf with a faraway look in his eyes as if he was reliving the glory of the past Grand Prix wins in Monaco, Silverstone UK and Albert Park Australia.
“But this fire – it’s not healthy and there’s always some nasty outcome from that sort of thing”.
“But can you do it doc, can you get it for me?”
“What – pain relief?” Antacids?”
“No, fire in my belly!” said Alf, getting up and standing on his chair in excitement.
Dr L was confused by this and tried another track to try to tease out the truth.
“You mentioned a number of other symptoms” said Dr L, hoping an unusual grouping of ailments would make the diagnosis clearer.
“That’s right, the sparkle in my eye and the steel in my spine”.
“Sparks? Are they like flashing lights?”. said Dr L., suspecting visual migraines or even retinal problems,
“Yes. When you win, there are flashing lights everywhere – you know what the paparazzi are like”.
Dr L thought that “paparazzi” might be a medical condition like papilloma warts and he made a note to look it up in his medical dictionary after the consultation.
“Paparazzi?” he said.
“Oh well, you just have to put up with them, They’re all parasites, but actually we feed off one another” said Alf, licking his lips with anxiety.
“Parasites?” said Dr L, remembering a useful article in a recent medical journal about using leech therapy for varicose veins and making a note to follow it up**.
“Don’t forget about the steel in my spine – it’s gone” said Alf, scratching his back with a tongue depressor stick from the doctor’s desk.
“So you’ve had some reconstructive spinal surgery?”
“Twice. Bad crashes. Flipped the car multiple times like a spinning top”.
“That means you still have metal rods in your spine – steel in the spine as you call it”.
“No. I’ve lost it all. I’m like a spineless jellyfish” said Alf, hanging his head in shame.
“Lost it? but how can you lose an internal spinal implant?”
“It happens gradually, over a few years, a loss here and a loss there until you can’t face that little seat anymore”.
“Little seat?”
“It’s become like a torture chair every time I get into it. Racecar seats are not designed for comfort you know”.
Dr L furrowed his brow and scribbled “Physical abuse?” on his notepad.
Dr L put on his most concerned expression. “Alf, this is a really complex and worrying situation. In fact it’s one of the most confusing set of symptoms I’ve come across since treating a crocodile wrestler who ate nothing but oysters and baked beans. Let me refer you to a number of different specialists. Here’s a referral to Dr Sfincter for the belly issue. He is an excellent diagnostician and can diagnose a stomach ulcer from a twisted bowel just by the way you walk. I’ll send you to Dr Eagle for the eye sparking problems. He can spot an eye problem from a mile way. See Dr Curvature for the spinal issue, Dr Blood for the parasites and Dr Shrink for the ah, obsessive-compulsive problems and ..ah… the other issues with the seat”.
“Sure doc, I knew you could get me back on the track, and bring me up to speed. I’m sure with your help, this will all be just a pit stop on the way to that big chequered flag we all thirst for, or at worst just time out for an engine swap and turbocharger upgrade”.
“Close the door on your way out old chap” said Dr L, waiting for Alf to leave before banging his head on the desk and then calling for the next patient.
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© Geoff Milton 2022
* draffco.com/leave-nothing-on-the-table
**healthline.com/health/what-is-leech-therapy
