At some stage in the Covid restriction era, people in face to face meetings were all encouraged to sit as far away as possible from one another, like cockroaches scattering when someone turns on the light.
This was helpful for infection protection, but with all participants wearing face masks, conversations became muffled and distant to say the least, like talking to someone at the far end of a fishing boat in a howling gale with a scarf covering your mouth.
If anyone in the room coughed or sneezed, fear of infection caused people to move even further apart. Some ended up outside in the hallway or sitting on a window ledge. Opening some windows for ventilation made things worse, because of traffic noise, and the constant hum of the room air filters and exhaust fans added to the problem.
But the main factor in muffling clear communication was having to use masks. Not only did these masks mask our words with a triple layer of paper and plastic, they also cut-off most of our non-verbal facial communication. This was like Maxwell Smart and the Chief trying to communicate using the clear plastic Cone of Silence* in “Get Smart”.
We could no longer pout at fanciful suggestions in meetings (“Let’s buy that abandoned oil refinery and turn it into a kids’ adventure playground and child care centre”).
We could no longer be seen or heard taking a sharp intake of breath or making a facial grimace to show our disagreement (“Let’s have an online karaoke competition with a panel of judges from another department, as a fun team building activity”).
We could no longer be seen curling our lips or gritting our teeth to show our intense opposition to a new proposal or idea (“We could cut costs by using an artificial intelligence chatbot to hire all new workers and also decide our end-of-year bonuses”)
The only facial communication still available was above the mask. It was all about interaction using eyes only. New skills were needed to navigate this new commercial challenge. But we rose to the challenge, having all attended a business innovation seminar in 2011 on “Breakthroughs in business communication” at our departmental wellness retreat.
I noticed one colleague had perfected a steely stare by narrowing his eyes as he replied to someone and leaning forward aggressively at the same time. He was so good at showing his suspicion and disdain I wondered if he practised it in the mirror at home.
Another fellow worker, known for meltdown reactions to mild disagreements, had developed a technique for becoming tearful and red eyed as a sign of deep hurt and bitter disappointment. Eventually, after careful observation, I noticed that he had a pocket bottle of hand sanitizer which he applied surreptitiously to his eyes, causing both tears and redness. Sneaky, but it did the job.
Two members of the team had perfected secret communication with one another. No snide behind-the-hand remarks for them. They sent messages using eye blinks in Morse code to take cheap shots at the person speaking.
Others simply reacted naturally. For instance, wide-eyed eyebrow raising expressed horror at the suggestion that we adopt new working hours to coordinate with the head office in Chicago (which would mean working 9 p.m. to 6 a.m. our time).
Most confusing was our minute-taker who suffered from eyelid droop. I sympathised with him as a fellow sufferer. This colleague had decided, after intense internet research of unreliable medical advice forums, to strengthen his eyelid muscles using high energy eye workouts.
His series of rapid winks, intense eye closing, extreme eyebrow raises and rapidly alternating winks from side to side confused and distracted everyone, but it was diverting amusement in the midst of the Covid desert storm.
But really we don’t have much to complain about, now that masks seem to have slipped off the noses of all and sundry.
And I must remember there have been many mask wearers much worse off than we were. Spare a thought for the famous wheezer, Darth Vader from the Star Wars movies. He had to wear that legendary full face black mask constantly, severely restricting his breathing. But when he took it off in one movie to talk to his son, we all secretly hoped he would put it back on quick smart. Darth without a mask was like a sausage roll without its pastry or like a giant turtle without its shell. In addition to this, the permanent full face mask gave him only one facial expression. 24/7 anger and fury must get a bit hard to maintain after a while, even for a Sith lord.
Spare another thought for Zorro, whose amazing black bandana with two eye holes concealed his identity from everyone, including his family it seemed. It was magic really, like Superman putting on his spectacles and suit and becoming Clark Kent while no one ever linked the two as being the same person. I never enjoyed the experience of identity change by putting on a Covid mask, although I do know of some who used high-efficiency N95 masks which made them look uncommonly like ducks. Not that you could tell whether they were ducks, because the mask was so good at muffling any quacks.
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*Youtube “The crowded cone of silence” – Get Smart – 1967
© Geoff Milton 2023
