“On the one hand we remark the bold carriage and mental vigour of a man attired in a new suit of clothes; on the other hand we note the melancholy features of him who is conscious of a posterior patch, or the haunted face of one suffering from internal loss of buttons”.
(Stephen Leacock – Literary Lapses – “A new pathology”).
Professor Leacock was a true pioneer in the field of clothing pathology. However his groundbreaking contribution to this branch of medical science has been tragically neglected in recent times, rather like medical research into how to eradicate smelly feet. So I hope to build on his legacy with my own update of modern day clothing diseases, in the never ending pursuit of style, neatness and world peace.
Ruptured belt
I have a collection of leather belts, built up over the years, but many have come to a sad end.
One crocodile skin belt I was given slowly dried out, cracked and died, as many of us do. As it decayed it revealed its flawed structure. I realised the impressive looking crocodile skin was just a thin veneer glued over a leather strip. It was as genuine as a $20 Gucci handbag.
In the end the stresses involved in containing my girth were simply too much for it, although it had probably served a weighty crocodile quite well.
Thankfully, its final demise did not happen suddenly, causing my pantaloons to be displayed at half mast. Instead, it gave ample warning and collapsed quietly over some months, thus retaining some quiet dignity for itself and for me.
Cure. There is no cure for Ruptured Belt other than an expensive transplant. Prevention, as we all know, is better than cure, and a better belt will last longer and have better grip and less wear over time, like high quality tyres on a Michelin Man. My advice is to ask the opinion of a genuine crocodile before you buy one of these belts.
Moth Hole Malady (MHM)
How do moths justify their existence?
Is their purpose in life just to knock us down a peg or two because we are too self-satisfied with our soft, warm and hideously expensive woollen jumper?
Just as graffiti vandals who love to deface things are attracted to large blank walls, moths are drawn to gnaw any woolly garment they can find, thus producing embarrassing holes.
Now you could argue that woollen garments with holes are very similar to ripped jeans with holes, and just as valid. But we all know that one is an ironic anti-establishment fashion statement and the other is a sign of laziness in putting lavender bags in the clothes cupboard.
Cure. Tragically, this is another incurable disease of the clothes. The only solution is a cover up, such as sewing a patch over the hole. This patch should be a cloth badge advertising insect spray or showing a picture of a moth impaled by a pin in a dead moth museum.
Forgotten tissue disease (FTD)
This is not in any way connected with diseased human tissue. It is an issue to do with a forgotten paper tissue which has been left to decay in some pocket of one of your garments prior to throwing in the washing machine.
Be warned! This disease is highly contagious. When the flaky white tissue fragments disintegrate in the washing machine, they spread to all other garments like bird flu in an aviary. Paper tissue spreads far and wide when put in contact with agitated water. FTD leaves your garments looking far dirtier after the wash than before.
Prevention. There are only two known ways of preventing forgotten tissue disease.
*Invasive searching every pocket of every garment before washing, rather like a police body search.
*Never washing your clothes. This is guaranteed to prevent another outbreak of FTD and is also guaranteed to cause you to lose all your friends, or at least those who have a sense of smell.
Cure. Many thousands of hours of Clinical Research into curing FTD and hundreds of academic papers have come to the following conclusions:
FTD Disease can only be cleared up with labour intensive multi-phase treatment of the garment using:
a) Lint brushes or lint rollers, preferably the ones advertised on late night TV, as they seem to work much better than the ones you can buy in shops.
b) Finger picking of fragments.
Note: FTD may break out again and again, even on the same clothes. The only permanent prevention method is to ban the sale and use of either paper tissues, washing machines or clothes.
Half Out Collar Syndrome. (HOCS)
This complaint is particularly a problem for those who wear shirts with long points under a jumper. These were very popular in the 1970s and 80s.
A similar ailment was described in the 1797 song “Diddle diddle dumpling my son John” who “went to bed with his trousers on” and with “one shoe off and one shoe on”.①
Diagnosis: When worn under a round neck jumper or sweater one long point of the collar may stick out over the top of the jumper while the other collar point remains discreetly hidden. This results in a peculiarly lopsided wardrobe malfunction called Half Out Collar Syndrome (HOCS).
This condition is seldom commented on by your acquaintances due to its intensely personal nature, rather like an unzipped fly or a clothing label hanging out. Sufferers usually discover the disease when looking in a mirror after a meeting, party or wedding etc. Often acute embarrassmentio sets in, along with fascia rosacea and sweatio nightmaresio.
Treatment. This is a temporary condition which is preventable by the sufferer patiently checking his appearance and collar positioning in a mirror before social events or meetings.
HOCS should not be dismissed as a minor complaint. It’s rather like dark hair dye dribbling down the face of a would-be politician during an intense TV interview. HOCS has caused some political candidates to withdraw from campaigning for public office after embarrassing photos showing their HOCS problem were published on social media with comments like “John Doe, the lopsided ditherer, won’t commit to either side of the question”.
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© Geoff Milton 2023
① Wikipedia “Diddle diddle dumpling my son John”
Images: Bing Image Creator
