According to experts, “the human race has peaked and could soon start moving backwards in terms of height, lifespan and physical performance”.
Here’s the hard evidence: the average height of NFL football players in the US grew from 1.79 metres a century ago to 1.87 metres in 2010 but the average height has remained frozen at 1.87 metres.
Similarly, NBA basketball players’ average altitude has stalled at just 2.0 metres since 1984.①
So, should we start panicking? Should we all go out and buy elevator shoes, whatever they are? Should we practise walking on stilts?
Never fear, ShortAndHumorous is here to help with common sense nonsense to address the issue.
In my own case, I have actually been shrinking in height over the last few decades as the rubber discs separating my vertebrae continue to perish like ageing tap washers.
I also blame my shrinkage on too many baths and showers. Before you ridicule this idea as hogwash, consider the facts. You may have washed a woollen jumper or vest, thrown it into the dryer and failed to lay it out flat to dry. The inevitable results are a ballooning waist band, shrunken arms and a gaping collar. What’s true for natural sheep’s wool is also true for natural hairy human skin.
To prove my point, I can testify that after many years of careless washing, various parts of me have shrunk or gape or bulge, especially the waist band area.
The solution is obvious: give up bathing and showering. But due to my early childhood indoctrination I cannot seem to break the habit of regular showers. Personally, I blame all those TV ads for hair shampoo where showering is portrayed as so much fun that the shampoo addict breaks into a foamy song and dance routine, at least from the neck up.
But we must also critically examine the assumptions of this height study before we stop taking showers, shorten our trousers or join a gym to hang upside down by our ankles for hours at a time to lengthen our spines.
So let’s ask the hard question here …. are we measuring the right thing or are we heading off on a wild goose chase up a gum tree without a paddle?
Height is just one human characteristic among many, and it is not the ultimate goal of human existence, although it is very useful if you are a coconut picker or need to dress up as a giraffe at the zoo when the real ones go on a holiday.
What about other measurements of human progress, such as weight and volume? After all we measure our food by how heavy or bulky it is and not by its height.
Recipes don’t say “stir 2 metres of sugar into the cake mix”. Rather they say “stir in 2 kilograms of sugar”. Or recipes may measure the volume of ingredients such as “pour in 2 litres of full fat double cream” not “2 metres of cream”.
So let’s change our assumptions and measure human progress by weight and volume. By these criteria, at least in my part of the world, some of us are continuing to set new records for human expansion, with no end in sight.
Let’s also change our attitudes towards increasing height as a measure of human progress. The days are long gone when shortish people had to compensate for their height by hiring hairy chested weight lifters to carry them around at shoulder height in sedan chairs, accompanied by boys holding up flaming torches.②
Now I’m sure you could see this coming – let’s consider Napoleon Bonaparte who at 5 feet 4 inches was on the short side.
Yet in other areas of human endeavour, he excelled. His height was not a problem. He left a long legacy of numerous wars with huge death tolls in the millions, he kidnapped or imprisoned several popes and carried out a very inventive prison escape worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster.③
He also invented that unique posture for portraits of holding his hand inside his waistcoat as though he was about to pull out a pistol and shoot the artist if he didn’t like the painting.
Shortish stature wasn’t a problem for old Boney, so why should we worry about static or declining human height?
However, if decrease in human height still bothers you, just print out and recite daily this inspirational gibberish written by my friend A.I.RoboPoet about the advantages enjoyed by shortish people:
“They’re last to get wet when the rain starts to pour,
And first to be saved when there’s room for one more.
In hide and seek games they are champions, unseen,
Who needs to be tall, when the short reign supreme!”
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© Geoff Milton 2024
①Frontiersin.org “The human race has peaked”
②Wikipedia “Litter – vehicle”
③Wikipedia “Napoleon”
Image – based on Bing Image Creator output
