A Shorten Humorless lunchtime interview with Mr Cryptic, a well known business tycoon famous for his economical use of food, money and words.
SH: Welcome Mr Cryptic. I’d like to ask you a few questions about how you simplify your life by economising on everything.
Mr C: Let’s keep this short and sweet please.
SH: I can see I’ll have to expand on your answers to make them more … intelligible for our readers
Mr C: Whatever floats your boat…
SH: Mr Cryptic, as we are sharing lunch for this interview, let’s talk first of all about meals and favourite foods. What style of repast do you prefer? Some like gourmet French style, others like spicy Thai curries and others go for the health benefits of the Mediterranean diet. What’s your preference?
Mr C: Cheap and cheerful
SH: So you prefer informal meals focusing more on the bonhomie rather than haute cuisine?
Mr C: That’s right, nothing fancy pants. Just nibble and natter. Whatever keeps body and soul together.
SH: You must admit there’s something very attractive about a long, luxurious and loquacious lunch.
Mr C: Time waster and girth grower
SH: (looking down at his own prosperous waistline) I see.
So we’ve covered style, now what about your favourite foods?
I imagine you are quite restricted in what you can eat if you keep to your very limited descriptions.
Mr C: No, it’s easy peasy. Each course, two words. Ask me.
SH: Breakfast?
Mr C: Bacon and eggs or tea and toast.
SH: Lunch?
Mr C: Soup and sandwich or pie and sauce if I’m late for a date.
SH: Now let’s talk dinner. Do you break out at the end of the day?
Mr C: Either fish and chips or spaghetti and meatballs.
SH: That’s pretty dull. Dessert?
Mr C: Once a week I have bread and butter pudding. Occasionally cheese and crackers.
SH: But surely you sometimes spice things up a bit. You’d die of boredom eating the same things all the time.
Mr C: No. Just good plain food.
SH: Sounds like plane food to me – you know, airline food.
Mr C: Always bring my own. Don’t trust airlines. They start off low and slow then they fly too high. Can’t make up their minds.
SH: But planes have to … Oh don’t bother.
Mr C: Never do.
SH: Mr Cryptic, life is more than food. Let’s broaden the conversation to make it more interest … relational.
SH: Have any pets?
Mr C: Goldfish and piranhas
SH: But the piranhas would eat …
Mr C: Survival of the fittest. I’ve bred some very crafty goldfish.
SH: Music?
Mr C: Rock and roll, jazz and blues (now and then).
SH: What do you admire in other people’s personalities?
Mr C: Patience and discipline.
SH: What do you dislike?
Mr C: Pride and prejudice.
SH: You really do have simple answers to everything. But what about solutions to major world problems? What about the energy crisis?
Mr C: Wind and solar – free fuel. Batteries and hydro. Double glaze and insulate.
SH: Hobbies?
Mr C: Etching and sketching.
SH: What artistic subjects do you prefer?
Mr C: Birds and bees, flowers and trees.
SH: Play any sport?
Mr C: Tennis
SH: Nickname on the court?
Mr C: Dennis the Tennis Menace
SH: Now tell me about your work. You’ve been a huge success in the business world. But very few jobs these days can be described in just a few words, especially with all the technology everyone has to use and all the mumbo jumbo and claptrap that goes with it …
Mr C: Good examples
SH: Oh I see … you mean mumbo jumbo and claptrap are good examples?
Mr C: Bingo.
SH: But back to the question about your work, whatever it is. What business principles do you use to succeed?
Mr C: Be nice, think twice, question thrice, get advice, set the price, throw the dice.
SH: So you’re saying you put a priority on good interpersonal work relationships and thorough investigation of new products or programs using discussion and brainstorming techniques, outside consultants and market research, while being willing to take a risk?
Mr C: That’s what I said.
SH: I understand you are renowned for your sales technique. What’s your approach?
Mr C: Meet and greet, chat and chew, seal the deal, then set and forget.
SH: Most interesting. Do you find you have to expand your … terse communication style to make the sale?
Mr C: Whatever it takes.
SH: Digging deeper into the world of work, what are the biggest problems you are experiencing in business today?
Mr C: Brain drain.
SH: So a lot of your staff are leaving for jobs that are higher paid or with better conditions or are more … interesting than working for you?
Mr C: Couldn’t say.
SH: But what do they say when they leave?
Mr C: “I quit”
SH: I see.
Mr C: Two Words. Very good. Wanna job?
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© Geoff Milton 2022
