Auntie Scarlett is quite fussy about some things she buys and couldn’t care less about others.
This sometimes creates a kind of anarchy in the typical retail shop.
Her obsessiveness may cause her to make a huge effort to get a particular health food, item of clothing from Iceland or brand of Vitamin B12 sublingual capsules. On the other hand, it is her laidback, happy-go-lucky attitude regarding other items which really puts the cat among the pigeons (or as the Dutch proverb says “throws the bat into the chicken shed”). ①
Last week at her local shopping centre, the bakery employee asked Auntie S “Would you like your loaf of bread cut for toast or sandwich?”
“I don’t mind,” said Auntie.
“You don’t mind?” said the assistant whose name was Irene (which means peace). She was totally perplexed by Auntie’s response. “But they’re totally different! You have to choose one or the other!”
“Whatever ….” said Auntie, eyeing off the family size custard tarts in the display cabinet underneath the counter.
“Let me explain” said Irene, trying to hold it all together. “Toast is cut thick and sandwich bread is cut thin and you have to set the machine to one or the other, whichever the customer wants”.
Then came the unexpected bombshell.
“You choose” replied Aunty S.
For Irene, this reply was like seeing a cockroach baked into a currant bun.
“But that would go against all my training, the company ethos and our professional ethics.
What I prefer doesn’t matter. Personally, I never eat bread – but we never criticize those who like it” she added quickly. “It’s part of our policy of inclusion”.
“Ethics?”
“Yes. We have a strict code of company ethics” said Irene, standing tall and looking glassy-eyed.
1. The customer is always right.
2. Give the customers what they want, unless it breeches the UN Declaration of Human Rights.
3. Never insult a customer or threaten legal action, no matter what ridiculous things they say.”
“Irene, dear, I just want a loaf of bread. Life’s too short to worry about every tiny detail”.
“OK” said the assistant grimly. “Let me put it to you another way. Let’s play a little game.
I’ll ask you a question and you answer either ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Here we go.
Would you like it cut thick for toast? – remember – ‘yes’ or ‘no’ ”.
“I like both” replied Aunty S. “I don’t have a preference for either”.
Irene was really rattled now. “But everyone must make some choices in life including you. For instance, do you prefer coffee, tea or carrot juice? Chicken, beef or pickled octopus? Communism, capitalism or narcissism? Smooth peanut butter or crunchy?
So what will it be? Sandwich cut or toast?” finished Irene, raising her voice slightly and causing the store manager to look up.
“There’s always another possibility” countered Auntie S. “For instance, I drink coffee in the morning and tea in the afternoon”.
“Ah ha! said the assistant. “So you your choice depends on the time of day!”
“Sometimes” said Auntie.
“So, as it is now 11 AM and way past breakfast time, you are buying a thin cut loaf of bread for sandwiches for lunch” said Irene triumphantly.
“Well, actually, I’ve just had brunch, so this loaf is for tomorrow not for today. Or I might freeze it” she said.
“You might freeze it” repeated Irene, sensing a chink in Auntie’s armour. “Now we’re getting somewhere. Toast bread freezes much better than sandwich bread”.
“Good point, but I haven’t decided yet. I might freeze it, or I might not”.
By this stage Irene the bakery assistant was getting hot and flustered and rather antsy at being forced to make a decision for the customer.
“Can I tell you something in private?” asked Irene, putting on a winsome smile. “Just lean over the counter and I’ll whisper it into your ear”.
“Sure” said the unsuspecting Auntie S.
Irene whispered “I have my right hand on a very soft family sized custard tart here under the counter. If you don’t make a decision about the bread, I’ll pull it out and squish it into your face and I’ll pull out another one and rub it into your bright red curly-wurly hair”.
Aunty Scarlett whispered her reply. “I do like custard tarts, but I don’t have to decide about the bread.
You may not know that I am in expert in the continental martial art of baguette blocking. If you try to pop the custard tart into my face, I’ll block you so fast with one of those baguettes lying here on the counter that you won’t even know if it’s plain or seeded. Besides, the manager, who is looking directly at you, will stop you and there will be consequences”.
Meanwhile the queue of customers was getting longer and more restive, and the shop manager intervened.
“Irene, there seems to be a problem here. I would like a quick resolution. People are waiting. Keep the customer satisfied you know”.
“But she won’t decide”.
“Irene really! This will go on your employee record and there will be consequences”.
Auntie Scarlett smirked at the mention of consequences.
The other customers were getting agitated and kept muttering things like “Just get on with it” and “Why are we waiting?”.
A few in the queue outside had written signs saying “We want bread”. Then one man in a red shirt started shouting out “What do we want? ” and the crowd responded “Bread!” “When do we want it?” and they all yelled “Now!” Others in the shopping centre thought there was a national bread shortage and joined the line in case they missed out.
The manager turned to Auntie with a faint smile.
“Now, madam, can you tell me the problem? Perhaps I can resolve it for you”.
Auntie Scarlett got straight to the point. “She wants to rub a family sized custard tart into my face, but I said I would defend myself with one of your sturdy baguettes and I think I am quicker with a baguette than she is with a family sized custard tart and I knew you would probably intervene”.
“I certainly will intervene. Disgraceful behaviour. Baguette expert eh? Just give me the baguette and nobody will get hurt. Thank you. “Irene, go and clean out the bread mixers thoroughly and scrape out the doughnut machine -with a teaspoon!”.
He turned to Aunty S.
“Madam, I see you have bought a loaf of bread. Would you like it cut for toast or sandwich?”
“I don’t mind,” said Auntie.
The bakery manager’s eyes narrowed into little slits and he curled back his lips in a snarl that revealed front teeth decayed beyond belief by his daily consumption of jam tarts.
“But you must ….”
++++
© Geoff Milton 2023
① Wikipedia “Throw the cat among the pigeons”
