“The people of the church were specially anxious to do something toward the general public subscription of the town on behalf of the unhappy Armenians… They determined to devote the collections taken up at a series of special evening services. To give the right sort of swing to the services and to stimulate generous giving, they put a new pipe organ into the church. In order to make a preliminary payment on the organ it was decided to raise a mortgage on the parsonage. To pay the interest on the mortgage, the choir…”
“Helping the Armenians” by Stephen Leacock in “Literary Lapses”
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Ah, fundraising! – The lifeblood and scourge of charitable organisations.
It always seems like a good idea at the time. Everyone is enthusiastic about helping those in need or replacing the meeting room carpet, and so a fundraiser is proposed by the committee and unanimously supported by the members.
Lots of ideas are proposed. A fete? Or is it fair?
“Fete” seems to have gone out of fashion. Perhaps people feel that the fate of the fete could be to fail. Maybe”fair” has more positive connotations.
“Jumble sale” doesn’t seem to have the right swing to it as Professor Leacock might say. After all he wants to be all jumbled up and pay for the privilege?
But there are lots of other alternatives. “What about a trivia night?” suggests geeky Guy who spends his time playing online general knowledge quizzes.
Ricky Rich the restaurateur suggests a Pay-Through-The-Nose-For-Charity Dinner. Charge people $100 per head and Ricky says he can put on a dinner for only $90 per head cost price!
Sam Sleek suggests a sausage sizzle – that uniquely Australian institution of frying fatty sausages on a barbecue outside a supermarket or hardware store and selling them to the passing public. The sausage is wrapped in a slice of white bread with or without onions and tomato sauce.
Vince the vegan says that sausages are high in fat and unhealthy and added that offering meat-only sausages discriminated against meat-haters. He urges a salad stall instead of the sausage sizzle. That suggestion wilts like a lettuce leaf left out in the sun but Vince is undeterred, seeing himself as a bloodless martyr to the vegetarian cause.
Frank the fitness junkie says that we need to contribute to the health of the nation as well as raise money and argues for a “something–a-thon”. He explains that each participant will be sponsored by eager relatives and friends and local businesses for every lap or repetition of some energy sapping task.
Sam is miffed that his sausage sizzle suggestion has not been universally acclaimed and suggests a sausage-a-thon where participants are sponsored per sausage consumed. Warming to his idea he proposes a tilt at the sausage eating world record, a distinction which is currently held posthumously by his brother Barry who died of a heart attack and fatty liver failure just a year ago. Sam wants to call it the Barry Sleek Memorial Sausage Stuffing competition. However most committee members feel that this may give the club the wrong sort of image. They do concede it may attract a large number of young people if the sausages are supplied free for competitors.
Vince again registers his complaint about discrimination against meat haters and proposes an alternative: a cucumber eating competition. Charles the chairman notes that “while eating cukes is cute it is unlikely to appeal unless the cukes are peeled”. The Minute secretary asked him to repeat the remark slowly so she could write it down but Charles replied that sparkling wit cannot be captured crudely on the printed page.
The ideas roll on for the fundraiser: a silent auction of unwanted salad bowls, a voucher for a one week holiday at Port Arthur, the former convict settlement (Harriet knows the local tourism authority is desperate to increase visitor numbers) and a $500 voucher for the services of the motorcycle and sidecar funeral hearse. This will be donated by the local chapter of the Bearded Angels Motorcycle Club whom Joe knows personally. The sidecar hearse idea is extended by Sally who suggests that young people may like to be face painted as zombies and then go for a ride in the hearse around the shopping centre. The two zombie members of the committee suddenly wake up and offer to organise it with some of their friends. Phil the photographer offers his services as an experienced family friendly zombie photographer. Doug says he can get hold of a dunk-the-principal machine. He explains that children throw tennis balls at a target, and hitting the bulls-eye lands the school principal in a barrel of cold water. He is sure the principal will cooperate for a good cause. Sally calls for a strawberry theme for everything: strawberries and cream, strawberry milkshakes, strawberry short cakes, strawberry pulp beauty treatments, strawberry fights et cetera.
At this point, with the atmosphere in the room reeking with creativity and enthusiasm, Carol the committee convener suggests that they include all the ideas into one monster FUNdrai$er. Everyone agrees.
The day of the monster fundraiser dawns….
There is a big hand-painted banner out the front saying “Monster Strawberry Zombie Auction Trivia Ride-Athon Fundraiser”.
Patrons are greeted at the front by zombies directing the children to the zombie face painting and hearse ride. The local chapter of the Bearded Angels are revving up their Harleys and trying hard to smile in order to improve their image with the public. Guy the geek is running around trying to sell tickets to his hourly trivia competition. The trivia challenge is now restricted by Sally to questions about strawberries. Guy is getting angry he can’t use his encyclopaedic list of quiz questions about Star Trek, vintage arcade games, African coffee-bean varieties and Kylie Minogue. Ricky the restaurateur has boycotted the occasion because his offer of a pay-through-the-nose charity dinner was not taken up. He is now walking up and down on the footpath out the front handing out leaflets reading “Boycott mediocrity” on one side and “The food here may be hazardous to health” on the other while glaring at would-be patrons.
Sam Sleek is in the gourmet food tent with his friend Ollie, cooking up a storm of sausages and onions and optional barbecued strawberries and onions. However the tent is rapidly filling with smoke so patrons are offered face-masks as they come in.
Vince is indoors in the club room with his salad stall but is finding that the recycled cardboard containers of 100% organic lettuce, carrot and alfalfa sprouts are not selling well. Sally glides by and pokes a strawberry into each container “to keep everything on theme” but it doesn’t help sales, and Vince is looking grumpier by the minute especially as Sam is constantly coming into the kitchen to get more sausages.
Frank has started up a weights/step/cycle/Pilates/aerobic-athon in the car park, sponsored by the local gym and physiotherapy clinic. Fortunately the town council required the first aid officer to be on site for the “-athon” and she is kept very busy treating bruised knees and elbows and smoke inhalation.
At this point Vince remembers it is time for the cucumber eating world record attempt. He sets up the platform and table in front of Smokin’ Sam’s sausage tent, with mounds of peeled cucumbers on the table. Unfortunately only two people sign up for the world record attempt including a small boy who enters with his rabbit Claude. Claude cannot wait for the official start and immediately begins to nibble cucumbers. Vince disqualifies the rabbit which hops away when the starting gun is fired.
The silent auction has turned into a vociferous bidding war between two of the Bearded Angels who came along to encourage patrons to take the hearse ride and promote their public image. Both of the bikies want to win the Port Arthur convict colony holiday as it is the only prison in the country they have not experienced first-hand.
The zombie face painting is quite popular with the local children although several of their parents have to be taken to the first aid room to be treated for shock.
Less than half of the children fall out of the sidecar hearse on its rapid circuit of the shopping centre. The Bearded Angels, concerned for their public image, carefully shove the injured children back into the hearse and whisper in their ears “tell them you fell off the swing or I’ll come and blow up your house”. The injuries and real blood on the children add to their zombie character. Phil the photographer is amazed at the skill of the face painters and does a roaring trade in child zombie photos printed on the spot. Sally insists on including a free strawberry with each photo which adds its own sticky red stains to the portraits
Doug could not get the local school principal to agree to be the victim in his “dunk the principal” machine. In the spirit of self giving he has offered up himself as dunkee. Fortunately for the fundraiser, the local children are very good shots with a tennis ball and most either hit the bull’s-eye and dunk Doug in the cold watery depths or hit him in the face, which is almost as painful.
Towards the end of the day Sally comes along with the unsold strawberries and offers them to the children to pelt at Doug “just for fun”. Doug finally snaps and frees himself from the cursed dunking machine and runs after Sally in his bathing suit covered in squashed strawberries hurling insults and strawberries at her and the children.
The Bearded Angels roar off back to their headquarters, Phil captures a few action shots for the club newsletter and an ambulance is called for Sam the sausage man who has apparently suffered an angina attack or has collapsed from smoke inhalation or both.
Everyone else decides to call it a day, and Charles the chairman carefully pockets most of the takings and deposits the remainder in the club’s bank account.
At the next meeting, the committee agrees to pass a resolution banning all future fundraisers.
About a year later a new committee is elected. At the first meeting of the year one of the members asks “How about a fundraising day? I’ve got some great ideas…”
