Recently I read a news item describing the unexpected success of a community screaming session. The organiser was stunned by the hundreds of people who turned up to screech, scream and squeal in a public park. He sounded pleased but a bit rattled. “Scream responsibly !” he urged. Clearly the screaming session scratched an itch, put ants in some pants, gave those all dressed up somewhere to go etc etc
Screaming is as natural as breathing, so why don’t we scream more? We are all born screamers because we are all born screaming. After birth, our screaming skills then develop nicely into toddlerhood. When toddlers become frustrated, hungry, or world weary, they express the inexpressible by screaming. They also develop a nice sense of timing as to when to scream for maximum impact. Who hasn’t been stopped dead by the wailing, tearful supermarket scream or the explosive ear splitting scream of the tantruming toddler deprived of nutrition in the junk food aisle?
But these healthy screaming habits start to wither rapidly in childhood. Teachers punish screaming. Peer pressure suppresses it. “He’s an over-screamer” pronounce school friends and walk away. Over-achiever, over-sharer, over-screamer – what’s the problem here? Why can’t we be more scream tolerant?
In fact school children today are only permitted to scream at sporting contests, pop concerts or when they are being totally terrified on some death-defying theme park ride. Screaming is the whole reason that roller coasters and all those crazy swinging, dropping, flinging around rides were invented – to provide an outlet for socially responsible screaming.
As a bonus they develop important life skills such as vomiting and making your knuckles go white.
More responsible screaming could in fact usher in lasting world peace for an hour or two.
Imagine if wars were settled by screaming not shooting.
Can you visualise it?
Two opposing armies lined up, face to face, not to shoot one another but to scream at one another.
Screaming takes a lot more energy than pulling a trigger. After a few hours of hard screaming at one another with unarmed jets screaming overhead, I’m sure the soldiers would all want to call a temporary truce to adjourn for calming cups of tea. After that, if the opponents were still not convinced of the futility of war, the two sides could line up again and scream some more until they had no prejudice, envy or ideology left or their voices petered out to a snake like hiss.
Boxing is ripe for conversion to screaming. Think of how boxing matches work now. The audience is allowed to scream but the boxers are not. Let’s reverse that so that the boxers do all the screaming and the fans stay silent so they can appreciate the quality of the screaming.
Scream boxing is a lot safer than the real thing. Compare the impact of a left hook to the side of the face with a solid scream in the earhole. With screaming there is no concussion, no blood, no bruising, just non-contact sonic brutality.
Scream boxers could still dance around the ring and make a few opening screaming jabs to test the opponent’s defences and unsettle him. But the match would then build up to a full on, full voice screaming match. The judges would award points for volume, pitch and length of individual screams, as well as recovery rates, variety of screams and unpredictable timing. Swearing and blasphemy would cause disqualification. Only “I jammed my finger in the front door” or horror movie type screaming would be allowed.
The fighters would have to train differently of course. It takes rigorous scream workouts and great physical stamina of the vocal cords, diaphragm and lungs to scream for a full ten rounds. Just ask any red faced screaming toddler if you doubt that. Proper precautions would have to be taken. This is responsible screaming after all. The referee would need to wear ear protection. A speech pathologist would be needed at ringside to officially stop the fight if vocal abuse was detected. An onsite audiologist may be required for emergency hearing tests.
There are many other conflict situations that could be revolutionized by screaming.
Trade Wars would destroy far fewer jobs if world leaders could scream responsibly at one another in a locked room until they had worked something out.
Election debates would be much more honest if politicians just gave short policy statements followed by extended screaming at one another.
I have a vision of neighbourhood screaming centres in every town and city. All responsibly soundproofed of course. These facilities would provide stress relief and sanity and chamomile tea for everyone who needs to scream:
-teachers who are forbidden from venting their frustrations on their students
-members of the British royal family who are totally over waving and smiling at everyone
-those secretly inclined to neo Nazi behaviour who want to try screaming like Hitler
-librarians, funeral directors and optometrists who are prohibited from raising their voices for most of their working day
-football coaches who want to practise their half-time screaming rant
-accountants whose balance sheets always end up overbalancing
-cruise ship entertainers who are forced to sing Elvis ballads 50 years after the king left the building permanently.
Have I convinced you of the value of a good old full throated, roaring scream?
So go on, pull out the screaming stops and let her rip. You know you want to.
If you have any doubts, see your local doctor, rock singer or ventriloquist for more advice.
And always remember to scream responsibly.
-Geoff M
