“Jiggers used to stand and breathe at the open window for half an hour before dressing.
He said it expanded his lungs.
He might of course, have done it at a shoe store with a boot stretcher, but after all it cost him nothing this way, and what is half an hour?”
“How to live to be 200” from “Literary Lapses” by Steven Leacock
I have a number of friends and acquaintances who are trying to stave off the effects of ageing. I’ve been comparing and contrasting their methods and success rates. One day I’ll write a book about it if I live that long, but here are some of my preliminary examples and conclusions.
Fergus and Fiona are friends who walk to keep fit and to live longer than their neighbours. We often meet them walking around the local park and they usually say they have just walked 100 kilometres according to their pedometer app.
I have worked out that their app is displaying a tiny, barely visible decimal point and that actually they have walked 1.00 kilometres rather than 100 kilometres. I don’t know whether to enlighten them or not. But at least they’re trying. Very trying.
Kelly decided to live to a ripe old age or even over ripe age by joining a gym. She saw a 50% off membership coupon on the back of her supermarket receipt. She can never resist a bargain so she joined up.
So far she’s walked on the treadmill but never seems to get anywhere with it. She’s cycled on the exercise bike but she said she fell off going around a corner. Fortunately she was rescued by Brad, her personal trainer. She went for a row on the rowing machine and discovered she could easily row halfway around the world until Brad turned the rowing resistance switch on.
Brad also showed her how to use a cross-trainer machine where you have to move your arms and legs in large circles simultaneously. It’s like imitating a helicopter. Kelly could move her arms and legs simultaneously with no problems but she realised she couldn’t watch reruns of the Graham Norton Show on the gym TV at the same time because Graham went round and round in circles and made her feel sick.
I’ve heard the same thing from others. Talk show hosts going in circles are sickening.
I have also observed the gym junkies who go to the local gym to buy their supplements. They all have bulging muscles, zero fat and look super fit. No one would dare ask them if they expect to live to be 250, so they probably will. I, for one, would never presume to ask them about the impact of steroids on their lifespan, or anything else for that matter.
I heard about some retired management consultants who aim to live for longer than their children by eating only evidence based, best practice, disruptive diets.
They avoid all dairy products and only pour oat milk on their unprocessed sugar free breakfast cereal. There is a deep mystery here though, for as the people from “Portlandia” pointedly sang “How do you milk an oat?”
They also love spelt, quinoa and other ancient grains. I think they plan to become ancient by eating only ancient food. This set me thinking. I have an ancient rusty tin of baked beans I inherited from my mother. Perhaps I should donate it to these people who think ancient foods will help them to become certified antiques.
A friend’s son is certain he will live longer by eating only vegetables, especially green leafy vegetables. I’m not so sure. Consider the evidence.
Rabbits and guinea pigs major on green leafys but they are not long-lived, although their livers may be in better shape than those of us who prefer hamburgers and strong coffee.
Cows and horses are vegetarians. They eat grass and hay and the occasional apple. Do they live until they are 250? No sir. A cow is past it at 10 and a horse is lucky to live to 30 or 40 (unless they are race horses, which are lucky to live past the last race they lost).
But that’s enough negativity, let’s learn from positive examples of longevity in the natural world.
The longest living creatures are giant tortoises from the Galapagos and macaws which are South American parrots .
Giant tortoises move very slowly. Even I could beat a giant tortoise in a race (if I was on my bicycle).
Therefore to live to a grand old age, be like a giant tortoise. Cancel your gym membership (you never use it anyway), move to the Galapagos Islands, develop a hard shell or at least a thick skin to combat criticism and move very slowly. Very very slowly.
Alternatively if you are more talkative than a tortoise, copy the long-life habits of a South American parrot like a macaw.
Talk a lot. All the time. Not profound words of wisdom but just repeat whatever everyone else is saying. Constantly. Loudly. Wherever you are. At home, at work, watching a movie, in the dentist’s chair, in public libraries.
If you want something, squawk, and keep on squawking and flapping your arms around like a macaw. Think, move and screech like a macaw and you will live longer.
Be flamboyant and colourful like a macaw. Wear bright colours. Bright yellow, bright red, bright blue and bright black. If it works for a macaw it will surely work for you.
If all this colour, movement and noise doesn’t help you to live to be 250, at least everyone will remember you after you die, which is much the same thing.
One final way to live to be 250 is to choose your parents based on their longevity. Prior to conception, demand genetic testing and choose only the best.
You deserve it.
-Geoff Milton
