I loved my primary school library collection of Richmal Crompton’s “Just William” stories written in the 1920s to 1960s. William’s adventures were set in a well-off English village, which was close enough to London for city workers to commute from the “stockbroker belt”. The central character, William Brown, aged 11, was a boy’s boy. He was always playing outdoors with his gang, known as “The Outlaws” and his dog Jumble. They roamed the roads, ditches, barns, woods and farms that surrounded the village. In the process, he was constantly getting filthy, to the despair of his family especially his mother, and being chased away by farmers or irate householders.
He would often meet interesting characters such as tramps or burglars or gullible sweet shop owners or artists.
He managed to regularly drive off well-meaning uncles and aunts intent on “improving” him and he often accidentally complicated the love lives of his adult brother and sister. He daydreamed his way through school and infuriated his teachers with his lack of attention to his studies. He was sometimes involved in money-making schemes, requiring other village children to pay to see some preposterous show or exhibition so that he could purchase something really useful like a bow and arrow. He dreamed up grand plans, such as walking to some distant seaport to begin his career as a pirate, and often started out on the scheme before being waylaid by further adventures on the way.
The William books are not highbrow, although the language is more complex than you might expect. They are boy’s own adventures.
I was grateful for one William book in Grade 5 at school which made me look a more studious student than I really was. Our teacher, Mr Yeend, asked each class member in turn what book we were currently reading. “William the Conqueror” I answered, quite truthfully. He probably thought I was keen on English history. Instead, I was captivated by the antics of a fictional 11-year-old English school boy.
Like any great hero of fiction, William’s outlook and actions taught me some important life lessons.
One life lesson from William Brown is this: in sticky situations, just keep talking and debating the point. When caught in a difficult situation William would repeat his story with minor variations, like a media savvy politician, going over the same ground in different ways, again and again and arguing about the accuracy of the words used to describe his misdemeanours. By spinning out a disagreement, he could prolong a conversation endlessly until the other person gave up in disgust.
In “William goes to the pictures”, he accidentally ran into his father at the front gate and knocked him over. William was accused of “charging” into him. But like an able lawyer, he seized on the word “charging” and claimed he was simply “coming in at the gate”, because “I can’t look all ways at once”. His father soon gave up on that point and then condemned the “filthy poisons” (sweets) he was eating. William went into a long description and defence of their goodness and the generosity of his aunt in giving him sixpence to buy them, repeating the same story in different words as often as he could. His father soon abandoned the interrogation, threw the bag of sweets into the bushes and walked off in disgust. William, of course, then retrieved the sweets and went back to enjoying them. Though the sweets were covered in dirt he also offered some to Joan, his junior love interest from next door.
Life lesson: Many arguments can be ended by burying your critics with an avalanche of words, as well as arguing about their exact choice of words, causing them to give up and go away in frustration, fury or despair.
I once bought a USB phone charger online from a seller whose online name was something like motormouth09. The thing didn’t work. I turned it on and plugged it into the device, and nothing happened. So I politely complained to motormouth09, who followed William’s life principle of just keep talking and arguing, or in this case just keep on emailing. He asked me detailed questions about the exact nature of the product fault, again and again, in many different ways. (My answer: it doesn’t work, please give me my money back). He had 100 ways to try to spin out the conversation. “Have you tried X ,Y or Z?”. “What about A,B or C?” “Is it the white model or the black one?” “Have you had your power point checked by a qualified electrician?” “Is your phone defective?”. I was tempted to give up out of sheer frustration. Fortunately, my payment platform pal came to my rescue like a baying bloodhound and I received a refund.
Some politicians have learned William’s lesson about “just keep talking” and turned it into an Olympic event. In 2019, President Zelensky of Ukraine broke the world record for the length of a press conference with a 14 hour marathon, which started at 10am and ended at midnight. He answered questions from 300 journalists in groups of 10, which changed every hour, with 10 minute break between groups. It was held at a new food court in Kiev, with food and drink supplied for free as the president and journalists sat around a large food court table.**
The “just keep talking” approach was probably a winner for President Z. One advantage was that, no matter what the political outcome for him, he had set a new world record for Ukraine, and himself, which would make the headlines and the record books. He could also publicise the new food court, which must have been appreciated by the Ukrainian Food Court Association, who hoped that food court venues would become the new normal for press conferences. President Z, had clearly thought this through. As well as the “just keep talking” mantra taken to the max, the food court setting and the free food and drink set up an expectation of a pleasant chat with the media, not the Spanish Inquisition. He could also answer the same question endlessly with minor variations, like an improvising jazz musician, but without having to think so much.
William would have scowled with approval.
© Geoff Milton 2020
**ukrinform.net “Zelensky breaks record for world’s longest press conference”11.10.2019
