As a semi-responsible global citizen I aspire to become more energy efficient. So I googled “energy efficiency” and the first article to come up was “Energy Efficiency Is A Must For California Buildings Moving Forward” (LA Daily News).
They do everything differently in California. There, buildings move forward and must be designed to do so efficiently. This is probably the fault of the San Andreas Fault. In my part of the world, buildings generally stay in the same spot. A Californian house jumping around doing Zumba dance routines or even jogging slowly must waste heaps of energy, so I can see why efficient building movement must be a priority.
Then I realised that I had stumbled on the fundamental first principle of energy efficiency.
Just stand there.
That’s it. It’s the key to energy efficiency.
Minimal energy is expended and maximum efficiency is achieved if everyone and everything just remains stationary. Humans and buildings and all sorts of things would be much more efficient if they simply stood there and didn’t move around.
Our dog Biff has turned energy efficiency into an art form by staying still most of the time. After a bit of barking, jumping around and slobbering at breakfast time, Biff then automatically seeks out the sunniest part of the garden and stretches out in his “dead dog” pose. This minimizes his energy output and maximizes his energy efficiency. His languid lack of locomotion makes him a masterly energy miser.
Biff is also really really good at absorbing energy. Let me show you how much we can learn from Biff regarding energy efficiency by comparing him with solar panels. For maximum efficiency, solar panels can be installed on a tracker which tilts very slowly to ensure that the panels always directly face the sun. In comparison, Biff just rolls his big hairy belly slightly every half hour or so. This ensures that maximum doggy surface area is exposed to incoming solar energy. He can even do this in his sleep. Biff knows that reduced fur insulation on his belly means that this is his most efficient body part for heat absorption. A solar tracker has a significant design drawback because it is usually limited to one fixed location whether that spot is sunny or not. In comparison, Biff expends a tiny amount of dog-leg energy every few hours to stroll to the sunniest spot, thus maximizing efficiency.
Biff has also instinctively overcome the problem of high temperature inefficiency. Solar panels decline in efficiency if they exceed their optimum operating temperature of about 25° C. This problem was solved by Biff and all his fellow canines generations ago. If he gets too hot he simply takes a few steps into a shadier location. Simple. If his operating temperature drops to slightly colder than optimum then he just stretches a bit, maybe rolls over and moves back into the sunniest spot. No fancy electronics required. As energy absorbers go, dogs are ultra-efficient, just by staying stationary with a few efficiency adjustments now and then.
Vehicles of all sorts would be much more energy efficient if they just learned to calm down, stop racing around and remain in one spot, conserving energy. Cars are far more efficient sitting in the driveway than racing down the freeway. For instance, Formula One racing could be done much more efficiently using virtual reality (VR). All the F1 drivers could be given VR helmets, steering wheels and controls and could then fight it out in front of a computer rather than wasting all that fuel and sweat on the race track. The winner could still spray the other drivers with champagne from the podium, while everyone was more or less standing still in the one place. Formula 1 fans could experience the thrill of it all by wearing their own VR helmets, and gathering together in one big stadium. Deafening engine noise and burning rubber and oil smells would all be generated artificially for maximum authenticity with minimum energy use.
Human beings can make their own unique contribution to energy efficiency through maximising energy storage.
Who needs expensive Tesla batteries to store energy for personal use? Humans are already perfectly adapted for efficient energy storage. Human fat cells can store huge amount of excess energy automatically. This energy bank is always on hand (or belly) 24/7, whenever it is needed. Human fat is cheap and easy to expand – just add pizza. No bulky batteries or clumsy chargers are needed. If you are moving around too much and using up your energy reserves, just fill up the fat tank by ordering more pizza. If you are looking for premium fuel, try pizza with a cheese filled crust. Mmm. Energy plus.
Excess energy storage in the form of human fat does cause deterioration of the supporting structure (your body).
But hey, your bodily deterioration is far slower than long-term deterioration in storage batteries. I know of some pacesetters in human fat storage who have lasted as long as 50 years. What battery bank could match that lifespan?
In summary, it’s dead simple. Maximize efficiency by staying still and eating pizza. That’s it. Too easy. Remember, you heard it here first.
